Today just goes to show that there must be opposition in all things, that you cannot experience happiness without sadness, that you cannot experience success without failure, that you have to experience disappointments before life can pass your wildest expectations.
I struggle in my feelings here.
I want so badly to find my fairytale. I'm not looking to get married right now; I'm just not mature enough or ready yet. It's hard to try and date when I'm looking for perfection. When I find the right one, his imperfections and flaws will not matter to me, so until I feel that, I guess I will continue being disappointed. I just want to be special. I want to be somebody's world. I want someone to think I am the most intriguing girl they have ever met. I want to have an undeniable and magical connection and attraction to someone. I guess I shouldn't be looking for my soul mate right now if I am not ready to get married, but how do you date someone you couldn't see yourself marrying?
I'm sort of seeing a boy right now. It's really light and casual; he is a great guy and friend! He is easily the nicest and most well rounded boy I've probably ever had feelings for. But, there is this lingering doubt in the back of my mind that I'm just not that special to him. We haven't been on any dates, we've just been hanging out a lot. I get that it is hard to go off campus seeing as neither of us brought our cars up... but sometimes I just feel like he is just going along with the whole thing, like I showed interest, so why not? I just want to feel special. It's seriously all I want. Maybe I am just too loyal and fall too easily for guys. I want this to work out and be something great, but I have this sick feeling in my stomach after tonight that once again, it's not going to work out.
I want to discover my dreams, my purpose in life. All I have ever had is volleyball; I'm good at it, and I've got the record to prove it. Now that I am in college, however, and not on the team, it's really hard adjusting. I miss it SO MUCH. I hate not being in the athlete's circle. It's the only place I've ever felt that I truly belonged. I'm on an intramural team, and I absolutely love playing again. But it's just not the same. Tonight, we lost. It's a double elimination tournament, so we are still in it. But this loss has shaken me up a bit. It makes me question the unfailing confidence I have in my volleyball skills. I did not play well at all; I made a bunch of stupid mistakes. Granted, it was definitely an off night for the whole team. But I just feel so humiliated and dumb. If my confidence in this is higher than it should be, what else am I talking myself up in? Maybe I'm not as unique, bright, or pretty as I'd like to believe I am. I admit, I probably am a little cocky when it comes to volleyball. But other than that, I am not overly confident in anything, my self-worth or self-esteem.
I know the Lord loves me and has an amazing plan for my life. I feel like 18 years have already passed, and I am still waiting for it to happen. I should try to live in the moment and experience life as it comes, but I just feel like I am constantly waiting for something to happen in my day to day life. I am constantly disappointed.
The tradeoff between high expectations and settling is confusing. I want my life to be magical. I see glimpses of magic everywhere, but they never turn out to be what I want them to. I guess I will continue my search for something different, something to change my life, and open my eyes to a whole new world of possibilities and dreams. I am not much of a quitter, I have to see things through. However, I don't want to set myself up for failure. I am so scared of not becoming who I am supposed to become, of not finding the person I am supposed to spend eternity with. I just don't want to look back on my life and realize I settled, that I never discovered my true destiny.
I am going to pull back from the boy a bit, maybe my friends too. I think I need to focus on school and catch up. If I put myself to work, I believe the Lord will put the people into my life that I need to meet. This is my faith and testimony. Here goes nothing.
Wednesday, October 3
Thursday, August 9
Midnight Thoughts
Today was a weird day. It wasn't necessarily a good one, unfortunately. But, we all must have these days, for they are full of struggle, learning, and reflection. I made a few, honest mistakes. I was trying my best, yet being a human, I fell short. Now they weren't serious, life shattering mistakes. Just enough to make me feel a little disappointed in myself, because I let people down. It was not all mu fault, many other things could have prevented them, but as the one in charge, it was mu responsibility to see that everything worked out. So i had to take the fall for it. I hate disappointing others, because I truly try to make everyone around me happy. Yet, one of the people they affected saw fit to confront me about them, yell at me, and leave me feeling absolutely horrible. That gut feeling that refuses to leave? Yeah, I've had it all night. Of course, the issue stays at the front of my mind and I cannot think of anything else. I wish I could brush it off; in perspective, it wasn't that big of a deal, everything ended up ok in the end, and because it was a short term engagement, I will never have to see these people again. But, it lingers.
After thinking a lot about today, I realize today is a typical day on earth. Humans are consistently imperfect; on both sides of a problem, people make the wrong decisions, most of the time unknowingly, so everyone ends up hurt/ offended in some way. Jesus Christ teaches us how to be better to ourselves, others, and the world. Yet it is so hard for us to follow! Satan pulls at us from every angle. Human nature tells us to be dramatic and emotional when in reality, we should just drop it and move on. It is satans voice in the back of our minds that tells us to not only be upset at the other person, but ourselves. Satan tells us we are worthless, yet better than everyone around us. It is so hypocritical! I long for a way to tune him out instantly. When I look back on my days, I can see his presence, but in the moment, it is hard I distinguish and look for opportunities to forget about human nature and serve Christ. We all need his love, grace, Mercy, justice, and infinite wisdom in our lives. I Long for the day when we can be received into heaven, where there will be no heartache, no problems, and no trials or temptations. Satan makes it so hard for us to follow Christ in this life. He has all of his efforts on us at all times; it's like the devil has an infinite number of troops that will help him carry out his plan of destruction. We must rise above! We must fight for Christ! We must cast the serpent out, and bring the Gospel into our hearts. It is my hope and prayer that we can all do this, but it is my biggest desire that I can make this personal change this year at BYU. I dream about the day I will be able to hug my brother, and all my previously worldly worries would fall from my shoulders. He'll tell me "Well done", then proceed to do the same to all those I love and hold dear to me. That day is far off, though, so we must hold steadfast in Christ, and become the people worthy to be held in his arms.
After thinking a lot about today, I realize today is a typical day on earth. Humans are consistently imperfect; on both sides of a problem, people make the wrong decisions, most of the time unknowingly, so everyone ends up hurt/ offended in some way. Jesus Christ teaches us how to be better to ourselves, others, and the world. Yet it is so hard for us to follow! Satan pulls at us from every angle. Human nature tells us to be dramatic and emotional when in reality, we should just drop it and move on. It is satans voice in the back of our minds that tells us to not only be upset at the other person, but ourselves. Satan tells us we are worthless, yet better than everyone around us. It is so hypocritical! I long for a way to tune him out instantly. When I look back on my days, I can see his presence, but in the moment, it is hard I distinguish and look for opportunities to forget about human nature and serve Christ. We all need his love, grace, Mercy, justice, and infinite wisdom in our lives. I Long for the day when we can be received into heaven, where there will be no heartache, no problems, and no trials or temptations. Satan makes it so hard for us to follow Christ in this life. He has all of his efforts on us at all times; it's like the devil has an infinite number of troops that will help him carry out his plan of destruction. We must rise above! We must fight for Christ! We must cast the serpent out, and bring the Gospel into our hearts. It is my hope and prayer that we can all do this, but it is my biggest desire that I can make this personal change this year at BYU. I dream about the day I will be able to hug my brother, and all my previously worldly worries would fall from my shoulders. He'll tell me "Well done", then proceed to do the same to all those I love and hold dear to me. That day is far off, though, so we must hold steadfast in Christ, and become the people worthy to be held in his arms.
Sunday, July 1
Dreamland
I had another dream about him last night. But once again, it ends up with us together, but I feel unhappy. It's a good sign, I guess, but at the same time, I want to be completely over him. I want to forget him. Is that so wrong? He gave me so much to remember, but I don't think it meant as much to him. So it hurts. It stings, actually.
Is it pathetic that when I thought I saw him in his truck the other day, my heart did like 5 backflips? Yet I peeled out of that parking lot as fast as I could. Not that I wouldn't want to see him and hang out with him and reconnect. But I know it wouldn't turn out how I would want it to.
I thought our connection was real. Not even in a romantic kind of way, but just as friends. I see the world in a different way because of him (I'm being dramatic, but you get what I mean). I was ready to go on adventures with him on a daily basis.Then all of the sudden, he was gone.
Randomly he'll do weird stuff. Like call me, write on a huge poster, like a photo on Facebook. None of it makes any sense. I never got a true explanation from him. Seeing him at school was interesting. It's like I would look for him, but if I saw him, I would go the other way.
Every time I talk to him, I still see that sparkle in his eyes. I know something is there, I can just feel it. Maybe I'm wrong. But I feel like someone's eyes just can't deceive you, even if their words or actions do.
Tonight, I am reminded of the time he said he would race me home after hanging out with Friends one cold night in November, as I was just starting to have feelings for him. I lost track of him, and when I got to my house, he wasn't there. I was really bummed, and decided there's no way he'd ever like me. Then out of the corner of my eye as I'm getting out of my car, his truck turns into my neighborhood and pulls Into my house. We talked for hours on his tailgate, about life, the stars, people, the moon, and finally us. It through me off guard, but when he kissed me in the middle of a sentence, I was hooked. It was so innocent, perfect, a night to remember for sure.
On nights like this, when the moon is out bright, I look for him, hoping he'll turn into my neighborhood, come to rescue me from the trance I've been in since we parted ways. Of course, he never does, and for that reason the deceiving moon, shining bright, haunts me, in both a good and bad way. Good because I know memories like that won't fade, and I have something to compare future men to. Bad, because I can't look at it for too long without feeling a hint of sadness.
I don't expect to ever fully understand what happened with him. I don't expect to receive closure, or an explanation from him. I don't expect us to ever work out. But in another life, we could have taken on the world together. High school stereotypes and insecurities kept us from truly becoming anything. But I have learned a lot from him, and I don't hold anything against him. I just wish to be free from his spell. Is it pathetic? Will I look back on this in a few years and laugh at how silly I was in high school to think I had something so real? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
I hear the train, and it reminds me that I will soon be leaving this town. The sound has always been comforting to me. It's a sign of home. Maybe once I make a new life, live in a new world in Provo, UT, I will break free. Until then, I'll see you in dreamland. <3
Is it pathetic that when I thought I saw him in his truck the other day, my heart did like 5 backflips? Yet I peeled out of that parking lot as fast as I could. Not that I wouldn't want to see him and hang out with him and reconnect. But I know it wouldn't turn out how I would want it to.
I thought our connection was real. Not even in a romantic kind of way, but just as friends. I see the world in a different way because of him (I'm being dramatic, but you get what I mean). I was ready to go on adventures with him on a daily basis.Then all of the sudden, he was gone.
Randomly he'll do weird stuff. Like call me, write on a huge poster, like a photo on Facebook. None of it makes any sense. I never got a true explanation from him. Seeing him at school was interesting. It's like I would look for him, but if I saw him, I would go the other way.
Every time I talk to him, I still see that sparkle in his eyes. I know something is there, I can just feel it. Maybe I'm wrong. But I feel like someone's eyes just can't deceive you, even if their words or actions do.
Tonight, I am reminded of the time he said he would race me home after hanging out with Friends one cold night in November, as I was just starting to have feelings for him. I lost track of him, and when I got to my house, he wasn't there. I was really bummed, and decided there's no way he'd ever like me. Then out of the corner of my eye as I'm getting out of my car, his truck turns into my neighborhood and pulls Into my house. We talked for hours on his tailgate, about life, the stars, people, the moon, and finally us. It through me off guard, but when he kissed me in the middle of a sentence, I was hooked. It was so innocent, perfect, a night to remember for sure.
On nights like this, when the moon is out bright, I look for him, hoping he'll turn into my neighborhood, come to rescue me from the trance I've been in since we parted ways. Of course, he never does, and for that reason the deceiving moon, shining bright, haunts me, in both a good and bad way. Good because I know memories like that won't fade, and I have something to compare future men to. Bad, because I can't look at it for too long without feeling a hint of sadness.
I don't expect to ever fully understand what happened with him. I don't expect to receive closure, or an explanation from him. I don't expect us to ever work out. But in another life, we could have taken on the world together. High school stereotypes and insecurities kept us from truly becoming anything. But I have learned a lot from him, and I don't hold anything against him. I just wish to be free from his spell. Is it pathetic? Will I look back on this in a few years and laugh at how silly I was in high school to think I had something so real? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
I hear the train, and it reminds me that I will soon be leaving this town. The sound has always been comforting to me. It's a sign of home. Maybe once I make a new life, live in a new world in Provo, UT, I will break free. Until then, I'll see you in dreamland. <3
Thursday, June 28
Wake Up
Sometimes, life just throws you into a trance. Everything around you seems to be spinning out of control, but you are paralyzed, stuck in a rut, when everyone else seems to be moving forward. I've been doing some reading lately into psychology to get ready for college, and I've come up with a little theory (true, I have no diploma, but I think you can all relate to what I have to say).
Problems, change, stress are always in your life, but whether or not they are on the forefront of your mind depends on where you are mentally, spiritually, in knowing, acting, and being yourself. When you are busy, occupied with a job, school, hobby, family life, friends, or even a certain someone, you don't tend to analyze what is happening in your life and around it. You focus on getting through the days, from one task to the next. You do what you have to do to get things accomplished, and generally, you are happy. Granted, if you are involved with things that don't make you happy, you are going to be miserable. But its when time slows down, that your mind starts to think a little more in depth about the events, people, feelings in your personal world.
Summer is the perfect "incubation period" for these trances. I work, hang out with friends, and have tasks to accomplish; yet the time seems to move much slower than it did when I had school during the day. I have only been getting a few days a week at IHOP since summer started, so I should have known a day like this would come up sooner or later. At the beginning of June, it felt like I had a thousand things to do. Get ready for college (student loans, housing, registration for classes, orientation, etc), go to California, attend tons of beginning of summer events (parties, lake/river trips, graduation celebrations, etc), and earn tons of money for the fall at work. As the month wore on, however, everything seemed to settle down, which got me to thinking about some things. A.) Why have so many of my "friends" literally stopped talking/hanging out with me since school got out? B.) Why am I so excited to leave this state for college? and C.) What the HECK am I doing with my life as an adult? So after about a week or two of constantly thinking about these things, today, it happened.
I literally did nothing all day. It was absolutely pathetic. I had work off, and it is always nice to be lazy somedays. Yet today, it made me sick to my stomach to sit at home so much and not do anything productive. I was dying to do something, but had no friends to do it with. Which got me to thinking about my top 3 questions to worry about.
A.) I have over a 1000 friends on facebook. I like to think of myself as a decently popular person, someone people like to hang out with. Yet as I thought more about it, I was not even sure who I would call my true and closest friends. I feel like the people I thought I was closest to have all forgotten about the amazing friendships we used to hold. I feel like I don't get invited to ANYTHING anymore unless it is a big party. There is something wrong with that. Why are these people pulling away? They seem to be finding new best friends. Maybe it's because I like to view every relationship I have with different people as "special". I would do anything for a lot of them, and I guess it just isn't reciprocated. Maybe I am just jealous. I'm not sure what it is, but it had me feeling pretty down.
B.) I am very excited to leave. But I think it is more of leaving all the problems, disappointments, and broken hearts here, and getting a fresh start. I don't admit it to myself, but I am SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. Will people like me up there? What if I am lonely, no friends, no boys to talk to, no activities other than class? What if I am not smart enough to do well? I am taking out so many loans, what if I fail? What if my "friends" or family back in AZ forget about me, or stop caring? So at this point, not only was I down, I was kinda stressing out.
C.) Before you grow up, you think the future will be perfect. You'll have a blast in college, meet the perfect guy, fall in love, get married, have a perfect family, live a happy life, no problems. As you get older, you realize that is far from reality. More and more problems arise in the world every day. Nothing seems to be true or perfect anymore. What if I get a divorce? What if I am in debt? What if I don't have a good relationship with my kids? What if they fall into deep sin? So many possible problems, some have to happen, right? Now, I am sick to my stomach depressed about my current situation, and the future.
I must admit I finally drug myself to the gym for an hour, but that wasn't until 7:30pm! After my workout, the "trance" had basically worn off, but I am still feeling the after affects of it. Life is gonna be rough. People are going to disappoint you, you are going to disappoint yourself, things aren't going to go according to plan. But if you want to be happy and lead a fulfilling life, you just have to suck it up and get over it. It's hard as humans to follow our own advice sometimes. This world doesn't have time for the weak, nor will it pity them. I can't be one of those people. At the same time, this though is really saddening for me. I don't want anyone to be trampled under the weight of life, washed away by society into a river of depression. I think that is part of the reason I want to study psychology; I want to fix and help people, and most of all, I want to make them happy. It's always been easier for me to do that for other people than myself, however.
I know that I can prevent feeling like this by staying active in the Gospel, yet it seems so hard for me. It is so frustrating! I want to pray and read my scriptures in a habit every morning and night. I know that I need to gain a better relationship with Christ. It seems like I only call upon his aid when I need it, instead of being that constant companion. I feel guilty about it everyday! Yet I still haven't been able to consistently start any habits. I hate these cycles I get in! Some months I'll be on a spiritual high, the next barely attending church or praying or anything! It's despicable. I need that friendship with Christ, it's something that is desperately missing from my life, and it is my own fault. I rely too much on other people and the world for my comfort, when really, I should be turning to him. Maybe I just feel awkward sometimes praying, because it's like I'm talking to no one. I know he is there, but it is just really hard to feel sometimes. The Spirit is an interesting thing. You cannot tell it to come on command, it is on it's own schedule, and you have to heed it's small, quiet whisperings to catch it. Something I apparently am not very good at.
Anyways, it's definitely a part of the reason I chose BYU. Not that many people seem to get it when they ask me why I chose Provo. They wouldn't really understand, anyways, so I don't usually tell. But I am dying to get closer to Christ, to better understand the Gospel, to feel the Spirit more, and mainly, to be reborn. I want to become a Saint, I want to completely change all the negative things about me. I want to be Christ's servant. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud. I just really hope I can do that there, in that more spiritual-minded climate.
It's getting late and I know I am rambling. It always feels good to express how I am feeling though, so judge me all ya want! Everything will be alright. Trust in the Lord, he will direct thy paths for good. Keep doing what is right, and chugging through life. There will be blessings that we cannot see right now along the way. I have that faith, with all of my being. Everything will be alright, in the end, because God wants us all to be ridiculously happy. If I want that, I should work towards that starting now, and not just wait until he grants it to me. He will grant it to everyone, because he loves us. But I want to earn it. I want to do that, for me, after everything he has done for me. I mean, he died for me. For all of us. The least we can do is try to stay in contact, and help his other children. Right?
Problems, change, stress are always in your life, but whether or not they are on the forefront of your mind depends on where you are mentally, spiritually, in knowing, acting, and being yourself. When you are busy, occupied with a job, school, hobby, family life, friends, or even a certain someone, you don't tend to analyze what is happening in your life and around it. You focus on getting through the days, from one task to the next. You do what you have to do to get things accomplished, and generally, you are happy. Granted, if you are involved with things that don't make you happy, you are going to be miserable. But its when time slows down, that your mind starts to think a little more in depth about the events, people, feelings in your personal world.
Summer is the perfect "incubation period" for these trances. I work, hang out with friends, and have tasks to accomplish; yet the time seems to move much slower than it did when I had school during the day. I have only been getting a few days a week at IHOP since summer started, so I should have known a day like this would come up sooner or later. At the beginning of June, it felt like I had a thousand things to do. Get ready for college (student loans, housing, registration for classes, orientation, etc), go to California, attend tons of beginning of summer events (parties, lake/river trips, graduation celebrations, etc), and earn tons of money for the fall at work. As the month wore on, however, everything seemed to settle down, which got me to thinking about some things. A.) Why have so many of my "friends" literally stopped talking/hanging out with me since school got out? B.) Why am I so excited to leave this state for college? and C.) What the HECK am I doing with my life as an adult? So after about a week or two of constantly thinking about these things, today, it happened.
I literally did nothing all day. It was absolutely pathetic. I had work off, and it is always nice to be lazy somedays. Yet today, it made me sick to my stomach to sit at home so much and not do anything productive. I was dying to do something, but had no friends to do it with. Which got me to thinking about my top 3 questions to worry about.
A.) I have over a 1000 friends on facebook. I like to think of myself as a decently popular person, someone people like to hang out with. Yet as I thought more about it, I was not even sure who I would call my true and closest friends. I feel like the people I thought I was closest to have all forgotten about the amazing friendships we used to hold. I feel like I don't get invited to ANYTHING anymore unless it is a big party. There is something wrong with that. Why are these people pulling away? They seem to be finding new best friends. Maybe it's because I like to view every relationship I have with different people as "special". I would do anything for a lot of them, and I guess it just isn't reciprocated. Maybe I am just jealous. I'm not sure what it is, but it had me feeling pretty down.
B.) I am very excited to leave. But I think it is more of leaving all the problems, disappointments, and broken hearts here, and getting a fresh start. I don't admit it to myself, but I am SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. Will people like me up there? What if I am lonely, no friends, no boys to talk to, no activities other than class? What if I am not smart enough to do well? I am taking out so many loans, what if I fail? What if my "friends" or family back in AZ forget about me, or stop caring? So at this point, not only was I down, I was kinda stressing out.
C.) Before you grow up, you think the future will be perfect. You'll have a blast in college, meet the perfect guy, fall in love, get married, have a perfect family, live a happy life, no problems. As you get older, you realize that is far from reality. More and more problems arise in the world every day. Nothing seems to be true or perfect anymore. What if I get a divorce? What if I am in debt? What if I don't have a good relationship with my kids? What if they fall into deep sin? So many possible problems, some have to happen, right? Now, I am sick to my stomach depressed about my current situation, and the future.
I must admit I finally drug myself to the gym for an hour, but that wasn't until 7:30pm! After my workout, the "trance" had basically worn off, but I am still feeling the after affects of it. Life is gonna be rough. People are going to disappoint you, you are going to disappoint yourself, things aren't going to go according to plan. But if you want to be happy and lead a fulfilling life, you just have to suck it up and get over it. It's hard as humans to follow our own advice sometimes. This world doesn't have time for the weak, nor will it pity them. I can't be one of those people. At the same time, this though is really saddening for me. I don't want anyone to be trampled under the weight of life, washed away by society into a river of depression. I think that is part of the reason I want to study psychology; I want to fix and help people, and most of all, I want to make them happy. It's always been easier for me to do that for other people than myself, however.
I know that I can prevent feeling like this by staying active in the Gospel, yet it seems so hard for me. It is so frustrating! I want to pray and read my scriptures in a habit every morning and night. I know that I need to gain a better relationship with Christ. It seems like I only call upon his aid when I need it, instead of being that constant companion. I feel guilty about it everyday! Yet I still haven't been able to consistently start any habits. I hate these cycles I get in! Some months I'll be on a spiritual high, the next barely attending church or praying or anything! It's despicable. I need that friendship with Christ, it's something that is desperately missing from my life, and it is my own fault. I rely too much on other people and the world for my comfort, when really, I should be turning to him. Maybe I just feel awkward sometimes praying, because it's like I'm talking to no one. I know he is there, but it is just really hard to feel sometimes. The Spirit is an interesting thing. You cannot tell it to come on command, it is on it's own schedule, and you have to heed it's small, quiet whisperings to catch it. Something I apparently am not very good at.
Anyways, it's definitely a part of the reason I chose BYU. Not that many people seem to get it when they ask me why I chose Provo. They wouldn't really understand, anyways, so I don't usually tell. But I am dying to get closer to Christ, to better understand the Gospel, to feel the Spirit more, and mainly, to be reborn. I want to become a Saint, I want to completely change all the negative things about me. I want to be Christ's servant. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud. I just really hope I can do that there, in that more spiritual-minded climate.
It's getting late and I know I am rambling. It always feels good to express how I am feeling though, so judge me all ya want! Everything will be alright. Trust in the Lord, he will direct thy paths for good. Keep doing what is right, and chugging through life. There will be blessings that we cannot see right now along the way. I have that faith, with all of my being. Everything will be alright, in the end, because God wants us all to be ridiculously happy. If I want that, I should work towards that starting now, and not just wait until he grants it to me. He will grant it to everyone, because he loves us. But I want to earn it. I want to do that, for me, after everything he has done for me. I mean, he died for me. For all of us. The least we can do is try to stay in contact, and help his other children. Right?
Saturday, June 16
Growing Up
I find myself pulling away. College looms ever closer; 67 days until move-in. I've been spending a lot of time with myself lately, just thinking, relaxing, preparing for the future. The more I do this, the more I realize how ready I am to become that independent woman I have always longed to be. I deeply treasure all the memories, friends, and marks I have made in the valley of the sun these past 18 years. They have shaped me into the person I am today, but they also propel me to go forward and grow. It's going to be tough, scary, and expensive, but I know in the end it will be worth it.
I sincerely treasure this town and the people in it. Even through the dark times, I will always look back on my childhood with the highest esteem. I was greatly blessed in more than one area; friends, school, sports, activities, family, church. I have been surrounded by absolutely amazing people.
Even with all of that, however, I do not have much left here for me. I feel as though I have outgrown this town.
I do not have any people holding me back from moving on. A part of me wishes I did; wishes I had that high school love the songs on the radio talk about. I thought I made connections with people, but for the most part, they did not end up being true or beneficial. One side of me can look back with disappointment, but every other part of me is encouraging me on, to keep looking, and expand my views of the world.
We think we know what love is. We think we know someone. Better yet, we think we know ourselves. But something I've learned is that is what we will spend our whole lives doing, getting to better know others and ourselves. Without doubt, we can learn something new everyday, good or bad. My brain is hungry for knowledge that cannot be learned in Gilbert. My spirit is restless to roam free and forge a path for the rest of my life. I do so with a calm smile, considerate heart, and open mind.
Norah Jones' new album, "Little Broken Hearts", captures the essence of my feelings this summer. Just listening to the music, added in with the insightful lyrics, maintains my composure and satisfaction with life and where I am headed. It's time to reach out of warm cocoon and step out into the sun.
I sincerely treasure this town and the people in it. Even through the dark times, I will always look back on my childhood with the highest esteem. I was greatly blessed in more than one area; friends, school, sports, activities, family, church. I have been surrounded by absolutely amazing people.
Even with all of that, however, I do not have much left here for me. I feel as though I have outgrown this town.
I do not have any people holding me back from moving on. A part of me wishes I did; wishes I had that high school love the songs on the radio talk about. I thought I made connections with people, but for the most part, they did not end up being true or beneficial. One side of me can look back with disappointment, but every other part of me is encouraging me on, to keep looking, and expand my views of the world.
We think we know what love is. We think we know someone. Better yet, we think we know ourselves. But something I've learned is that is what we will spend our whole lives doing, getting to better know others and ourselves. Without doubt, we can learn something new everyday, good or bad. My brain is hungry for knowledge that cannot be learned in Gilbert. My spirit is restless to roam free and forge a path for the rest of my life. I do so with a calm smile, considerate heart, and open mind.
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." - proverb
Wednesday, June 13
Na Na Na Na. Hey Hey Hey. Goodbye.
I figured the six hour car ride to California for our senior trip would be a good time to write my end of high school blog post. Sitting in the back, surrounded by some of the most amazing girls I have met these past four years, I can only smile as I listen to them talk and laugh. They are all so beautiful, happy, confident, and strong, filled with the light of Christ. Three of us are going to BYU, two are going to ASU, and one is going to NAU. Though our time in Gilbert is basically over, our lives are just beginning.
Everyone says high school goes by fast, but no one can ever truly realize that until they are lining up in the school before walking out onto the field for graduation. The last month of senior year is honestly the weirdest thing in the entire world. Walking through the halls, you take in every inch of the school that has been your home for four years.
Towards the end of the year, I went and sat in the gym by myself during a slow class period. I went into the middle of the court and laid on the tiger, looking around. I thought about the countless hours spent in there over the years, training and practicing for the state championship we won in November. I thought about how many goals I had accomplished in there; overcoming my shoulder injury, keeping my spot on varsity, and starting my senior year. I thought about all the friends I had made in that gym, all the summers we spent working to create the team chemistry that made us so successful. As I walked out, looking at our banner, I said goodbye to the jungle.
For me, I guess I just like to take everything in, stand on the sidelines and watch everyone. I love to watch friends meet up and hug, pass around yearbooks, and take pictures with the seniors that would soon be leaving. It really is weird to think about the thousands of people I've met throughout high school, where they are going in life, and the fact that I most likely will never see some of them again.
Graduation was not a spectacular surge of emotion like I expected it to be. It was a nice ceremony, all of the speeches were really heartfelt. Many of them made us laugh, cheer, and stand up. At the beginning, Dr. Santa Cruz called up five students to do the welcome in different languages. I was selected for American Sign Language, and luckily I did not mess up at all! I surprised my family and friends, and my parents were so proud; it was really special. Of course, we had the beach balls, silly string, confetti, glitter, etc that every class does for graduation. This year, though, it seemed like all the teachers, security, and administrators were not concerned with the antics; for the most part, they let kids do whatever they wanted, with smiles on their faces. I think it was due to the fact that it was Santa Cruz's last year, he truly wanted to soak up the graduates and school he had been with for so long. I did not cry like I expected to. Many of the younger students who had come to watch were crying their eyes out on the field after, but I only felt happy. I am completely satisfied with my high school experience. It's a little bittersweet to think it's over and that I am finally an "adult", but I am ready to move on.
As fulfilling as high school has been for me, with all the amazing clubs, teachers, friends, and activities I have been involved in, I am done with the immaturity of many of my classmates and peers. I am hoping people in college will be more focused on what they want and mindful of others around them.
There are many lessons I have learned in high school, and I wish I could share them all so I could save people from heartbreak, tears, and struggle. But something I have learned is that everyone has to make their own mistakes in order to learn. You can hear it from other people and try to follow their advice, but in order for it to truly sink it, it has to be personally taught, experiencing it first hand. Advice is helpful and can definitely save you some trouble, but without a testimony of the principle gained by yourself, it will not mean much. For example, I was always told I should not even attend parties where there would be alcohol and drugs. Of course, from all the peer pressure, I had to attend one to learn for myself why we should keep our distance from those. First of all, it smells bad. Just the smell alone could keep me away, but the way people act when they are under the influence is flat out ridiculous. They are not their true selves, and find happiness from a bottle or bong. They will never find stability in that; the emotional issues they hide underneath will always surface. Their wounds will never heal in that environment. I found myself disgusted, so I vowed to never get in that atmosphere again.
The biggest piece of advice I would give though, cliche as it is, is simply to live without regret. You can never be afraid of opening up your heart and mind to new ideas, opportunities, and people. Some of the people that have taught me the most in high school are the ones I branched out to find. I never thought I would have been friends with people so far out of my typical "jock" or "LDS" circles. You have to take chances in order to gain the best kind of memories. Break a few rules (not big ones! You should never drop your standards or morals. EVER!!!!! You'll only regret it!), stay out a little too late, and don't be afraid to talk to someone new.
Well, high school is over. A new chapter is beginning. Time to grow up, find your place in the world, right?
With complete faith in God and his merciful son Jesus Christ, I know I can do anything I set my mind too, and I know I will find happiness. So, cheers!
Everyone says high school goes by fast, but no one can ever truly realize that until they are lining up in the school before walking out onto the field for graduation. The last month of senior year is honestly the weirdest thing in the entire world. Walking through the halls, you take in every inch of the school that has been your home for four years.
Towards the end of the year, I went and sat in the gym by myself during a slow class period. I went into the middle of the court and laid on the tiger, looking around. I thought about the countless hours spent in there over the years, training and practicing for the state championship we won in November. I thought about how many goals I had accomplished in there; overcoming my shoulder injury, keeping my spot on varsity, and starting my senior year. I thought about all the friends I had made in that gym, all the summers we spent working to create the team chemistry that made us so successful. As I walked out, looking at our banner, I said goodbye to the jungle.
For me, I guess I just like to take everything in, stand on the sidelines and watch everyone. I love to watch friends meet up and hug, pass around yearbooks, and take pictures with the seniors that would soon be leaving. It really is weird to think about the thousands of people I've met throughout high school, where they are going in life, and the fact that I most likely will never see some of them again.
Graduation was not a spectacular surge of emotion like I expected it to be. It was a nice ceremony, all of the speeches were really heartfelt. Many of them made us laugh, cheer, and stand up. At the beginning, Dr. Santa Cruz called up five students to do the welcome in different languages. I was selected for American Sign Language, and luckily I did not mess up at all! I surprised my family and friends, and my parents were so proud; it was really special. Of course, we had the beach balls, silly string, confetti, glitter, etc that every class does for graduation. This year, though, it seemed like all the teachers, security, and administrators were not concerned with the antics; for the most part, they let kids do whatever they wanted, with smiles on their faces. I think it was due to the fact that it was Santa Cruz's last year, he truly wanted to soak up the graduates and school he had been with for so long. I did not cry like I expected to. Many of the younger students who had come to watch were crying their eyes out on the field after, but I only felt happy. I am completely satisfied with my high school experience. It's a little bittersweet to think it's over and that I am finally an "adult", but I am ready to move on.
As fulfilling as high school has been for me, with all the amazing clubs, teachers, friends, and activities I have been involved in, I am done with the immaturity of many of my classmates and peers. I am hoping people in college will be more focused on what they want and mindful of others around them.
There are many lessons I have learned in high school, and I wish I could share them all so I could save people from heartbreak, tears, and struggle. But something I have learned is that everyone has to make their own mistakes in order to learn. You can hear it from other people and try to follow their advice, but in order for it to truly sink it, it has to be personally taught, experiencing it first hand. Advice is helpful and can definitely save you some trouble, but without a testimony of the principle gained by yourself, it will not mean much. For example, I was always told I should not even attend parties where there would be alcohol and drugs. Of course, from all the peer pressure, I had to attend one to learn for myself why we should keep our distance from those. First of all, it smells bad. Just the smell alone could keep me away, but the way people act when they are under the influence is flat out ridiculous. They are not their true selves, and find happiness from a bottle or bong. They will never find stability in that; the emotional issues they hide underneath will always surface. Their wounds will never heal in that environment. I found myself disgusted, so I vowed to never get in that atmosphere again.
The biggest piece of advice I would give though, cliche as it is, is simply to live without regret. You can never be afraid of opening up your heart and mind to new ideas, opportunities, and people. Some of the people that have taught me the most in high school are the ones I branched out to find. I never thought I would have been friends with people so far out of my typical "jock" or "LDS" circles. You have to take chances in order to gain the best kind of memories. Break a few rules (not big ones! You should never drop your standards or morals. EVER!!!!! You'll only regret it!), stay out a little too late, and don't be afraid to talk to someone new.
Well, high school is over. A new chapter is beginning. Time to grow up, find your place in the world, right?
With complete faith in God and his merciful son Jesus Christ, I know I can do anything I set my mind too, and I know I will find happiness. So, cheers!
Thursday, April 5
Time for a Cleanse
Here we are... It's April 4th, almost 11:30 at night. It's funny how inspiration and ideas flow freely at this time of night for me. I actually get most things done at night... I guess I'm a night owl. Anyways. Where do I begin! It has been a crazy three months for me. I will have to do the journaling some other time this month. It's sad to say I honestly can't remember what has happened! I would use Facebook timeline, but I am on a social fast right now, so that's off limits. I'll explain later. First, I am going to describe the last three days, and close with my analysis.
Day One: Monday
It started out as a pretty normal day! I had a pretty good weekend, but I was definitely left in a weird mood. General Conference was great, and I loved spending time with my family, but my birthday festivities left me thinking about a lot of things (I'm not gonna go into detail). I wore a cute dress to school, had a decent time up till 4th hour. I might have just been in a bad mood (just entered my favorite time of month), but girls just seemed to be really "catty". I was not feeling it! I posted a status along the lines of "Over this. 35 days". Then, while walking to 5th hour, I realized I had totally forgotten to write an essay that was due. I panicked a little, but decided I would just ditch, go home early, and work on it. I headed out to the parking lot and sat for about fifteen minutes, waiting for security to leave. I thought about a lot of things, and with everything else that had happened, I was definitely in a somber mood.
I am not one to let things get to me too much for too long, so when I got home, I decided to go lay out in the nice weather and get my tan on. The first hour was relaxing, and when I woke up from my snooze, I realized I had a missed call from one of my friends. I texted her, asking what was up, and by the way she was replying, I could tell she had bad news for me. I could not think of anything, so I impatiently waited for 45 minutes until she got out of school so she could tell me. To say the least, that call changed my life. Which sounds super dramatic, but I can say I am a completely different person than I was 72 hours ago. Let the fun begin...
She told me that the boy I was lined up to go to prom with, told her that he didn't really want to go with me. She tried to explain a few reasons, but in my head, I kept telling myself this was a joke. The week earlier, I heard another boy wanted to ask me. We'll call him Friend A. He is an awesome guy, we always have fun together, and through our ups and downs, he has been one of my closest friends. Friend B, I had only known for a few months, but on the outside, he was the whole package. Super tall, rich, funny, cute. He was the perfect date, and I definitely wanted to go with him! Being the ridiculous girl that I am, I schemed to get him to ask me. I talked to Friend B, and got the impression that he wanted to ask me if Friend A wouldn't mind. So I got my girl friend to convince Friend A not to ask me. I felt a little bad, but I just wanted to have the perfect senior prom! Then, for my birthday, Friend B asked me what I wanted. I told him he already knew what I wanted, but he insisted I tell him my favorite candy bar. I told him, so at my party, he gave it to me! He then said, "That's just the first part of your present." I totally assumed he meant asking me to prom was the second part, seeing as that was what I hinted at.
Well, Friend B was the boy that didn't want to go with me anymore. Friend A asked another girl. I was disappointed, hurt, and confused. Did he just change his mind? Everything seemed to be going so good! Or was he leading me on (intentionally, unintentionally?) the whole time? Why wouldn't he have the balls to just say he wanted to go with someone else? Then I would have a date, Friend A. Now, it was too late. My girl friend tried to help me think of other guys I could go with, and after listing off about 10 guys, I realized I legitimately did not have a date (they all had already asked, or had people in mind). This was when I broke down. I told her I was gonna be fine, but the second I hung up, I proceeded to bawl my eyes out for a solid hour before work.
I felt embarrassed. I felt like a loser. I felt ugly. I felt like no one wanted me. I felt straight up PATHETIC. I have always been pretty confident, but as every other girl, I have my insecurities. And WOW, did this situation bring up every single one and blow them up out of proportion. What had I done wrong? What did I do to deserve this? To be the girl without a date to senior prom. And to make matters worse, I already spent over $200 on a dress.
I left for work, a little out of it, but luckily was cut early. I went to the gym, got a good run and workout in, then came home. I did not feel any better. As usual, I got on facebook and twitter, and saw the flood of posts about prom. I thought I was going to explode. I was so sick of people and high school in general, the idea of a "Facebook Fast" came to mind. I posted a status and tweeted about taking a break from social media, and that I would be back in a week or two. I wanted to cut myself off from the world and draw back from people in general. So, after getting a final cry out in the shower, I turned out the lights, and went to sleep. The last person I wanted to talk to was God, so I skipped out on reading my scriptures and saying my prayers.
Day Two: Tuesday
Tuesday, I felt like a zombie. I dressed decently cute to school, did my makeup and hair, and drove down to Gilbert. In the car, I put a Mindy Gledhill CD in that my mom had just bought.Well, turns out they are all basically loves songs ( I could NOT handle that). One of the songs was played on a video talking about a child with cancer, so that was the only song I listened to. Tears in my eyes, I walk into school. All throughout first hour, I could not focus. I was zoning out, wanting a distraction. Usually, I go on facebook& twitter, but I deleted both of the apps off my phone, so I was stuck to stare off into space. I talked with Diana Mooney about some problems she was facing. We both were in pretty bad moods. When the ball rang for 2nd hour, I felt sick to my stomach. Not only was Friend B in my class, I always saw Friend A, as well as a few other people who were involved in the whole situation. Walking down the stairs, I saw them, and thought I was going to hurl. Taking deep breaths, I made it to the cafeteria doors, and convinced Diana and Naomi to leave before Friend B got there.
We left, and discovered we were all in sad moods. Naomi was facing some issues, of what subject I am not sure, but she was not her usual chipper self. We made it to seminary, put our bags down, then called a pow wow in the bathroom. I was trying so hard not to cry, but we all started to. I think all the stress and heartbreak and hurt caught up to us. We waved other girls away as they came in. I'm sure it was a funny sight to see. Naomi and I got to class a little late, so we had another girl start class for us (we are Presidents). My partner, Spencer, asked if I was okay. I said no, honestly, and the tears started to well up again. Why was I so pathetic? Spencer usually likes to be mean (joking of course) and annoy most of the time, so when he was genuinely concerned, it really caught my attention. I told him I did not want to talk about it. Usually I am the one trying to get him to participate, but that day, I did not say a single word. I zoned in and out of class, trying not to look over at Friend B (I could tell he was not looking. Which meant I was looking. Shoot!). Towards the end, Spencer wrote me the sweetest note ever. It made my day. I wrote him one back, explaining that I appreciated him and was sorry I could not talk about it with him. I wanted to leave before Friend B did, so I could avoid him, but we ended up getting stuck behind people. As usual, Friend B stands waiting for me at the cafeteria doors, where we walk to our 3rd hours together. I thought I was going to puke. He says, "Ready Hunter?" with that big smile on his face that makes me melt (not that I was in love with him, but he is always just so genuinely happy to be around me, it makes me feel good. Well, at least I thought he was. Now I am not so sure. UGH). I mumble, "I have to help Diana.. with some stuff" to which he replies, "Wow Diana, you are stealing my walking partner?" laughing, still with that big smile. Diana says something, but I am already walking away. Once again, I am trying so hard not to cry. Instead of walking with her, I cut across the hall towards my 3rd hour. I am pretty sure Friend B saw me, but I didn't care.
The rest of Tuesday pretty much sucked. I was pitying myself, distancing myself from my friends and family, and all around just feeling bad. I continued to look for prom dates, ask around, but with no success. I got glimmers of hope, here and there, only to be shut down.
At many times during the day, I was tempted to go on Facebook and Twitter. However, I resisted! I changed the homepage of my computer to lds.org, and I watched some cool videos they had. I read some scriptures, but once again, I was not feeling like talking to the Savior, even though I knew Wednesday would be tough. It was seminary conference, I was conducting. I did not want to be spiritual, nor did I want to have to deal with the Friend B situation.
Day Three: Wednesday
Wednesday morning, I got up, got all dressed/ dolled up for seminary conference, and left for school. Walking into Tiger Hall, I see out of the corner of my eye Friend B noticing me walk in (I know I looked good. So, instead of acting zoned out, I decided to do the fake happiness/laughter look for the day). I get into my group of friends, smile, laugh, play with my hair, do the typical things girls do. I'm not sure if he was caring or even looking at this point, but if he was, I wanted him to see what he was missing. First hour was fine, but once again walking to second hour, we don't wait for that group of friends to come up. We just head out to the seminary building. While conducting, it was really hard not to notice Friend B. I made eye contact once, but instantly looked away. Can you say AWKWARD. Haha. Seminary Conference, however, was amazing, to say the least. What a spiritual feast. All the talks were really good! We had time left at the end, so I had Diana and Naomi bear their testimonies. They are awesome. They both cried a little, which made me teary-eyed. I love their spirits, and the faith they have during hard times in their lives. I was feeling much better, but as soon as we walked back to the school, I realized Friend B did not even wait for me like he usually does. I saw him walking with other people. It made me sad, but I guess I did not want to talk to him anyways. The rest of the day at school was interesting. I was super emotional, but I was trying to act happy. There were so many times when tears started to well up in my eyes, it was just sad. Once again, I continued looking for prom dates, and failed each time. Which hurt. Even if it wasn't my fault or the guys fault. I was getting desperate.
I talk to my girl friend after 4th hour, and she told me that Friend B asked her that morning if I was mad at him. To which she replied yes. It explains why he didn't wait for me, I guess. But, I was not mad at him! I was more hurt and upset that he didn't tell me the truth. He still has not said anything to my face about it.
Throughout the day, I started to pick myself off the floor. I started letting myself recover, get stronger, and move on. By the time I got off work, I was feeling ok. My co workers are great, they always put me in a good mood. I went to the gym, ran a bit, then did an intense leg workout. This random guy started training me and making me do some hard things! It was a little weird. But I was grateful. Not only was it a good workout, he showed me I had value. Naturally, I am good lifter, so he was impressed by my skills. He also talked a lot about mentality, that I could do hard things If I just put my mind to it. As I was driving home, I was feeling pretty empowered. Working out gives me goals, something to work towards, and the fresh burst of enthusiasm was much needed/welcomed. I got on the computer, but instead of going to facebook, I quickly checked my email, then got on the LDS site.
I watched a Bible Video of the Savior's crucifixion. Little spiritual moments that teach me are so important to my testimony! They truly build it. While watching the video, I though about how alone the Savior must have felt. How much pain he had to endure. How he still loved those who were killing him. How he had no friends there. I began to compare it to my life. My problems seem so insignificant. Here I was, crying about a prom date, when Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice, for me and you. He understands how I feel, completely, wholly, exactly. He loves, no matter what. I was holding grudges and pulling myself away from my friends. That is no way to live! Even though it hurts, and will for a while, it would be better if I was friends with Friend B. It doesn't mean I have to walk one on one with him again, because I don't think I am ready. However, I am required to forgive ALL! I need to go on in life as the strong woman God has made me. No more feeling bad for myself! I had my days of mourning. Now, though, I would need to get over myself and just live.
I am not completely okay yet. So I am keeping the social cleanse. It has been really good! I am able to focus on more important things. I am ready to start moving back towards happiness, though! I need to forgive those that "despite-fully use me". Everything will work out.
On Friday, I get to pick my BYU dorm room/ roommate/ meal plan. It is soon becoming real, and I cannot be more excited. Every day, I know more and more that it was the right choice for me. I cannot wait.
Well, it is 12:40 pm, and I am falling asleep. Sorry if it seems choppy or random, I really just wanted to get it all out there. That's it, for now.
<3
Day One: Monday
It started out as a pretty normal day! I had a pretty good weekend, but I was definitely left in a weird mood. General Conference was great, and I loved spending time with my family, but my birthday festivities left me thinking about a lot of things (I'm not gonna go into detail). I wore a cute dress to school, had a decent time up till 4th hour. I might have just been in a bad mood (just entered my favorite time of month), but girls just seemed to be really "catty". I was not feeling it! I posted a status along the lines of "Over this. 35 days". Then, while walking to 5th hour, I realized I had totally forgotten to write an essay that was due. I panicked a little, but decided I would just ditch, go home early, and work on it. I headed out to the parking lot and sat for about fifteen minutes, waiting for security to leave. I thought about a lot of things, and with everything else that had happened, I was definitely in a somber mood.
I am not one to let things get to me too much for too long, so when I got home, I decided to go lay out in the nice weather and get my tan on. The first hour was relaxing, and when I woke up from my snooze, I realized I had a missed call from one of my friends. I texted her, asking what was up, and by the way she was replying, I could tell she had bad news for me. I could not think of anything, so I impatiently waited for 45 minutes until she got out of school so she could tell me. To say the least, that call changed my life. Which sounds super dramatic, but I can say I am a completely different person than I was 72 hours ago. Let the fun begin...
She told me that the boy I was lined up to go to prom with, told her that he didn't really want to go with me. She tried to explain a few reasons, but in my head, I kept telling myself this was a joke. The week earlier, I heard another boy wanted to ask me. We'll call him Friend A. He is an awesome guy, we always have fun together, and through our ups and downs, he has been one of my closest friends. Friend B, I had only known for a few months, but on the outside, he was the whole package. Super tall, rich, funny, cute. He was the perfect date, and I definitely wanted to go with him! Being the ridiculous girl that I am, I schemed to get him to ask me. I talked to Friend B, and got the impression that he wanted to ask me if Friend A wouldn't mind. So I got my girl friend to convince Friend A not to ask me. I felt a little bad, but I just wanted to have the perfect senior prom! Then, for my birthday, Friend B asked me what I wanted. I told him he already knew what I wanted, but he insisted I tell him my favorite candy bar. I told him, so at my party, he gave it to me! He then said, "That's just the first part of your present." I totally assumed he meant asking me to prom was the second part, seeing as that was what I hinted at.
Well, Friend B was the boy that didn't want to go with me anymore. Friend A asked another girl. I was disappointed, hurt, and confused. Did he just change his mind? Everything seemed to be going so good! Or was he leading me on (intentionally, unintentionally?) the whole time? Why wouldn't he have the balls to just say he wanted to go with someone else? Then I would have a date, Friend A. Now, it was too late. My girl friend tried to help me think of other guys I could go with, and after listing off about 10 guys, I realized I legitimately did not have a date (they all had already asked, or had people in mind). This was when I broke down. I told her I was gonna be fine, but the second I hung up, I proceeded to bawl my eyes out for a solid hour before work.
I felt embarrassed. I felt like a loser. I felt ugly. I felt like no one wanted me. I felt straight up PATHETIC. I have always been pretty confident, but as every other girl, I have my insecurities. And WOW, did this situation bring up every single one and blow them up out of proportion. What had I done wrong? What did I do to deserve this? To be the girl without a date to senior prom. And to make matters worse, I already spent over $200 on a dress.
I left for work, a little out of it, but luckily was cut early. I went to the gym, got a good run and workout in, then came home. I did not feel any better. As usual, I got on facebook and twitter, and saw the flood of posts about prom. I thought I was going to explode. I was so sick of people and high school in general, the idea of a "Facebook Fast" came to mind. I posted a status and tweeted about taking a break from social media, and that I would be back in a week or two. I wanted to cut myself off from the world and draw back from people in general. So, after getting a final cry out in the shower, I turned out the lights, and went to sleep. The last person I wanted to talk to was God, so I skipped out on reading my scriptures and saying my prayers.
Day Two: Tuesday
Tuesday, I felt like a zombie. I dressed decently cute to school, did my makeup and hair, and drove down to Gilbert. In the car, I put a Mindy Gledhill CD in that my mom had just bought.Well, turns out they are all basically loves songs ( I could NOT handle that). One of the songs was played on a video talking about a child with cancer, so that was the only song I listened to. Tears in my eyes, I walk into school. All throughout first hour, I could not focus. I was zoning out, wanting a distraction. Usually, I go on facebook& twitter, but I deleted both of the apps off my phone, so I was stuck to stare off into space. I talked with Diana Mooney about some problems she was facing. We both were in pretty bad moods. When the ball rang for 2nd hour, I felt sick to my stomach. Not only was Friend B in my class, I always saw Friend A, as well as a few other people who were involved in the whole situation. Walking down the stairs, I saw them, and thought I was going to hurl. Taking deep breaths, I made it to the cafeteria doors, and convinced Diana and Naomi to leave before Friend B got there.
We left, and discovered we were all in sad moods. Naomi was facing some issues, of what subject I am not sure, but she was not her usual chipper self. We made it to seminary, put our bags down, then called a pow wow in the bathroom. I was trying so hard not to cry, but we all started to. I think all the stress and heartbreak and hurt caught up to us. We waved other girls away as they came in. I'm sure it was a funny sight to see. Naomi and I got to class a little late, so we had another girl start class for us (we are Presidents). My partner, Spencer, asked if I was okay. I said no, honestly, and the tears started to well up again. Why was I so pathetic? Spencer usually likes to be mean (joking of course) and annoy most of the time, so when he was genuinely concerned, it really caught my attention. I told him I did not want to talk about it. Usually I am the one trying to get him to participate, but that day, I did not say a single word. I zoned in and out of class, trying not to look over at Friend B (I could tell he was not looking. Which meant I was looking. Shoot!). Towards the end, Spencer wrote me the sweetest note ever. It made my day. I wrote him one back, explaining that I appreciated him and was sorry I could not talk about it with him. I wanted to leave before Friend B did, so I could avoid him, but we ended up getting stuck behind people. As usual, Friend B stands waiting for me at the cafeteria doors, where we walk to our 3rd hours together. I thought I was going to puke. He says, "Ready Hunter?" with that big smile on his face that makes me melt (not that I was in love with him, but he is always just so genuinely happy to be around me, it makes me feel good. Well, at least I thought he was. Now I am not so sure. UGH). I mumble, "I have to help Diana.. with some stuff" to which he replies, "Wow Diana, you are stealing my walking partner?" laughing, still with that big smile. Diana says something, but I am already walking away. Once again, I am trying so hard not to cry. Instead of walking with her, I cut across the hall towards my 3rd hour. I am pretty sure Friend B saw me, but I didn't care.
The rest of Tuesday pretty much sucked. I was pitying myself, distancing myself from my friends and family, and all around just feeling bad. I continued to look for prom dates, ask around, but with no success. I got glimmers of hope, here and there, only to be shut down.
At many times during the day, I was tempted to go on Facebook and Twitter. However, I resisted! I changed the homepage of my computer to lds.org, and I watched some cool videos they had. I read some scriptures, but once again, I was not feeling like talking to the Savior, even though I knew Wednesday would be tough. It was seminary conference, I was conducting. I did not want to be spiritual, nor did I want to have to deal with the Friend B situation.
Day Three: Wednesday
Wednesday morning, I got up, got all dressed/ dolled up for seminary conference, and left for school. Walking into Tiger Hall, I see out of the corner of my eye Friend B noticing me walk in (I know I looked good. So, instead of acting zoned out, I decided to do the fake happiness/laughter look for the day). I get into my group of friends, smile, laugh, play with my hair, do the typical things girls do. I'm not sure if he was caring or even looking at this point, but if he was, I wanted him to see what he was missing. First hour was fine, but once again walking to second hour, we don't wait for that group of friends to come up. We just head out to the seminary building. While conducting, it was really hard not to notice Friend B. I made eye contact once, but instantly looked away. Can you say AWKWARD. Haha. Seminary Conference, however, was amazing, to say the least. What a spiritual feast. All the talks were really good! We had time left at the end, so I had Diana and Naomi bear their testimonies. They are awesome. They both cried a little, which made me teary-eyed. I love their spirits, and the faith they have during hard times in their lives. I was feeling much better, but as soon as we walked back to the school, I realized Friend B did not even wait for me like he usually does. I saw him walking with other people. It made me sad, but I guess I did not want to talk to him anyways. The rest of the day at school was interesting. I was super emotional, but I was trying to act happy. There were so many times when tears started to well up in my eyes, it was just sad. Once again, I continued looking for prom dates, and failed each time. Which hurt. Even if it wasn't my fault or the guys fault. I was getting desperate.
I talk to my girl friend after 4th hour, and she told me that Friend B asked her that morning if I was mad at him. To which she replied yes. It explains why he didn't wait for me, I guess. But, I was not mad at him! I was more hurt and upset that he didn't tell me the truth. He still has not said anything to my face about it.
Throughout the day, I started to pick myself off the floor. I started letting myself recover, get stronger, and move on. By the time I got off work, I was feeling ok. My co workers are great, they always put me in a good mood. I went to the gym, ran a bit, then did an intense leg workout. This random guy started training me and making me do some hard things! It was a little weird. But I was grateful. Not only was it a good workout, he showed me I had value. Naturally, I am good lifter, so he was impressed by my skills. He also talked a lot about mentality, that I could do hard things If I just put my mind to it. As I was driving home, I was feeling pretty empowered. Working out gives me goals, something to work towards, and the fresh burst of enthusiasm was much needed/welcomed. I got on the computer, but instead of going to facebook, I quickly checked my email, then got on the LDS site.
I watched a Bible Video of the Savior's crucifixion. Little spiritual moments that teach me are so important to my testimony! They truly build it. While watching the video, I though about how alone the Savior must have felt. How much pain he had to endure. How he still loved those who were killing him. How he had no friends there. I began to compare it to my life. My problems seem so insignificant. Here I was, crying about a prom date, when Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice, for me and you. He understands how I feel, completely, wholly, exactly. He loves, no matter what. I was holding grudges and pulling myself away from my friends. That is no way to live! Even though it hurts, and will for a while, it would be better if I was friends with Friend B. It doesn't mean I have to walk one on one with him again, because I don't think I am ready. However, I am required to forgive ALL! I need to go on in life as the strong woman God has made me. No more feeling bad for myself! I had my days of mourning. Now, though, I would need to get over myself and just live.
I am not completely okay yet. So I am keeping the social cleanse. It has been really good! I am able to focus on more important things. I am ready to start moving back towards happiness, though! I need to forgive those that "despite-fully use me". Everything will work out.
On Friday, I get to pick my BYU dorm room/ roommate/ meal plan. It is soon becoming real, and I cannot be more excited. Every day, I know more and more that it was the right choice for me. I cannot wait.
Well, it is 12:40 pm, and I am falling asleep. Sorry if it seems choppy or random, I really just wanted to get it all out there. That's it, for now.
<3
Sunday, January 15
Reflection on 2011
Wow did 2011 fly by. It seems like just yesterday I was walking to school for my first day of junior high. In reality, I received my admittance packet from the University of Arizona, in which they offered me a full- tuition scholarship for four years and an Ipad. I have less than 90 days left of high school, and then it's out to the real world for me. It's literally the weirdest feeling I have ever felt in my entire life.
Chance, my brother, left on his mission 4 days ago. I go off to college in about 6 months. Then it will just be my brother Ridge and my parents at home. At some points, life seems so slow... like for instance, sitting in a class at school, watching the clock tick away, wishing you could leave already. Or when you are lying in your bed on a lazy day, just relaxing and not worrying about any of the stresses in your world. But now that I look back on it, time truly flies. It's interesting that as humans, for the most part, we live in the moment, and take everything as it comes. Our God knows better though, he has an eternal perspective. He knows that our lives on Earth are just a 'twinkling of an eye' when we take into account eternity.
Anyways! I promised myself I would do a post about the past year, so I don't forget anything that happened. This actually took me about two weeks to put together and write, so sorry about the delay! I'm going to start off in May, however, because to be honest, I can't really pull much from the first 4 months. It was not a dark time in my life, just more of a blur. I was not truly happy. I was in a relationship that I did not need, taking time off from volleyball, working a ton, and going to painful physical therapy a few times a week. I was not doing that well with my testimony, and the days just seemed to drag on. It all changed in May, though, so that is where I'll begin. Here we go.
May
In May, my life drastically changed. I finished physical therapy, started working out my shoulder again, and began working my way back into the volleyball world. I was scared out of my mind! I was determined to get back to where I was, but I knew that the chances were small. My goal was to gain that starting spot as middle blocker for the varsity team. I broke my relationship off with Matt, my boyfriend of 11 months. He is truly a great guy, but it was something I had to do for myself. I rededicated myself to my faith and religion, and got back on the right path. I hung out with my friends I hadn't seen in months, finished the toughest year of school in my life with straight A's, and was feeling on top of the world by the end of the month.
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| Great Gatsby party for AP English with my dear friend Mckaylee Lemon. |
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| Party I held at my house after the last day of school with some of my favorite people! Hello Summer 2011! |
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| Annual Senior Bench photo;) |
June
Volleyball+ Work+ Party+ Sleep+ Repeat = June. Getting back into volleyball was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It was not until September that I felt confident in my abilities again! Practices were long, tiring, and really rough on my shoulder. It was not long until my shoulder started having problems again, which was really disappointing for me. However, getting back into volleyball was absolutely AMAZING. I had forgotten just how much I had loved the game, and most importantly, my girls. I knew that this season would be something special if we all continued to work hard. I continued working at sonic, as I hit the one year anniversary of working there. Some days, I actually enjoyed working. I had some pretty cool co workers! Overall, however, it was not all that fun. I felt like I did way more work than what I got paid for! However, I was able to hang out with friends a lot, which was such a relief. Summer would not mean a thing if it weren't for friends and family.
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| Being weird with my partner& fellow middle Kayla Lederer. This girl is the reason I was able to come back to volleyball! She always kept me motivated, and stuck by my side through everything. Later on I will talk about her impact during the season :) |
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| Relaxing in the pool after summer running at a party for the program at Kayla's house. It was great to spend time with the younger girls& let them see what it meant to be a Gilbert Volleyball Girl. |
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| Floating in the lake with Spencer Wright, Mckaylee Lemon, Sadie Maughan, and Diana Mooney. It was definitely one of the highlights of my summer- the lake is so beautiful, relaxing, and fun! |
July
July was a great month! I was on vacation for majority of the month, so it was great to get away from the Arizona heat. In the beginning of the month, I spent a week and a half in California with my family and Diana Mooney's family. It was a BLAST! The only negative part about that trip was that I was stung by a sting ray... I still have the scar on my foot! It was more painful than you'd think. I've been a little timid about getting in the water since then :/ Haha. I was home for a few short days, worked a few shifts, then headed out for California again with my YEARBOOK CREW! What can I say, I am a true yerd ;) It was my third and final year at Yearbook Tech as a camper (I hope to be a TA next year!), and it was a great experience. We figured out the theme& design of our amazing book, created a bunch of memories together, bonded, and ended up receiving not only a Superior in Theme Presentation, but the Spirit Award as well! It was our 2nd time in two years. We just had a lot of spirit, and enjoyed being obnoxiously loud. The losing school (Granite Hills) was not very happy with us, and even threatened me and another girl on facebook. Needless to say, yearbook got pretty intense. After yearbook tech, I came home for a week, worked, played some sand volleyball, then went back out to Oceanside, California for the third and final time that summer. It was really relaxing and nice to spend time with my parents and Ridge. July was exactly the kind of month I needed before one of the most important, deciding, and trying times of my life.
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| Crazy times at yerd camp! This was during a power outage, the night before our theme presentations were due. We worked into the morning light on dying computers trying desperately to finish. Our hard work paid off, but we enjoyed the breaks as well! |
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| 2011 Editors! It's not always easy, and we don't always get along, but we work really well together. This will easily the best book Gilbert has had in a VERY long time! |
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| Having fun with sparklers with my sista, Diana. This girl has been such a great influence in my life. I would not be where I am now without her example& constant support. |
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| Showing off our awards& prizes. Over my three years, I have met some really inspirational and all around great people at yrbk camp. Though they play a small role in my life, they have greatly influenced who I have become! |
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| July 4th with Diana's family, the Mooneys & McBrides! What a great family. |
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| My "mom", Susan Mooney. We built myrtle the turtle :) |
August
August 2011 was easily one of the most challenging, yet rewarding months of my life. No joke. I began the month with volleyball tryouts, which did not go as I had planned. Basically, on the last day of tryouts, Coach sat me down, and told me that he did not see the same player as he had last season. Obviously, he knew about my shoulder injury and the struggle I went through to get back, but he was not pleased with the progress. I knew I had a long way to go, but I never thought I would almost get cut. He told me that I was making the team, but that I would have to work for that starting spot, and that he was not just going to hand it to me. He said he had a few other girls fighting for that spot that he thought could beat me out of it. He asked me to "Prove him wrong." Now that I look back on this, it might have all just been a mind game. But at the time, my world was falling apart. I remember when I got home that night, I sat in my room and cried for hours. My biggest goal for high school was to win state as starting middle for the Gilbert Tigers, and suddenly it seemed like I was destined for failure. My shoulder and body were really out of shape, and the first few weeks of season were painful, long, and tiring. My teammates helped me stay motivated, though, and helped me battle for that spot.
As in every good story, however, opposition has to build. Two days before our first scrimmage, and five days before our first match of the season, one of my teammates accidentally stepped on my foot under the net, which led to an inevitable ankle sprain. Needless to say, by the time I got home, it was the size of a grapefruit, and I could not put any weight on it. The black and blue bruises had already starting spotting up. My spirits were crushed when I discovered I would not be able to play for a while. I ended up missing the scrimmage and first three matches of the season. It was hard work coming back, gaining trust in my ankle again, but I honestly am grateful it happened! It caused me to appreciate the opportunities the Lord has given me in the world of volleyball, and work even harder to get back to full strength. I came back with more fire, passion, and focus than I had had in a really long time.
My schedule for senior year seemed simple enough, but with volleyball, college applications, and yearbook, it turned out to be really stressful: AP Stats with Mr. Spiker, AP Government with Mr. Keyes, Yearbook with Mrs. Fluegel, ASL II (Dual Enrollment) with Ms. Kerry, English 101 (Dual Enrollment) with Mrs. Hays, Volleyball weights with Coach Hess& Tanna Martin, and finally Seminary with Bro. Miller.
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| Mr. Tribby & Mr. Keyes with the Zombie Protection pole, part of their typical antics. I had Tribby last year for AP American History. Both of these men are absolutely amazing teachers. I will never forget them! |
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| Spirit in yearbook! Though times get stressful, these girls are awesome, and our book is beautiful. Plus, there is nothing better than decking out in black& gold for the football games every Friday! |
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| The seminary teachers, Bro. Miller, Anderson, and Arnett. Unfortunately, Bro. Wright is missing from the picture, but all of these men are truly inspired of God. What a difference they make in the lives of students. |
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| The day after I sprained my ankle, posing with the girls at the first football game. Nothing can detract from my school spirit! Go tigers! |
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| Our first team sleepover. We were more than a team, we were a family. On& off the court, we made memories and had the best times together. |
September
In the beginning of September, I was finally able to play volleyball again, and wow, did life turn around! I got that starting spot, and can proudly say I held it and started every match once I was back for the rest of season! September was truly a fabulous month! Everything was going right for me. Volleyball was absolutely amazing, and in our first tournament (Westwood) we made it to the Championship match. We lost to Xavier, but it was a very successful tournament that showed us just how good we were (my first week back, too! Gave me the confidence I needed), but the improvements we had to work on as well.
School was flying by. We had a senior spirit day, football games every Friday, and Homecoming week towards the end of the month. All of my classes were going pretty well, I was getting along with all my teachers, and understanding everything pretty clearly! Football games were easily some of my favorite memories from high school. There was nothing better than painting up & showing spirit for the boys of fall (even if they did not always win, it was important to be there for them!). Homecoming week was a blast. We won all of our volleyball matches, went to the carnival, and had our annual golf tournament/ fundraiser for the program. Driving around on golf carts, relaxing in the sun, and meeting different supporters of the program was really nice. That night, we had homecoming, and it was SO FUN! I went with Travis Cole, a boy on the volleyball team that I had been really close friends with since high school started. We went in a large group, a lot of my LDS friends, that I had never been to a dance with before. They were quite the party :) It was a fun, innocent night full of laughter, smiles, and good times.
I spent a LOT of time with my volleyball girls that month, and it was truly the stuff memories are made out of. I was so blessed to know this girls and be so close to them for so long! <3
I also met a lot of new people in September, the kind of people I would not expect myself to really be friends with. But WOW! Did they change my life, for the better. I'll talk about them in October :)
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| Fun with my volleyball girls! Sleeping during study hall, QT Monday, waking me up from a nap at the golf tourney, concussion testing, spooning at Ball's house, not warming up &putting volleyballs in our shirts, not going to study hall& chilling in lockers, driving a golf cart with Kayla, and putting up posters in the boys locker room;) |
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| My homecoming group! What an amazing photographer. |
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| Travis& I. Finding the superhero within! |
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| With my swimmer boys at the homecoming game! |
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| Posing with Mr. Mikan, with our championship banners in the background. This man has been an amazing influence in my life as my jr high coach and mentor <3 |
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| Senior Spirit! Class of 2012. |
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| Homecoming carnival, where of course we bought bahama bucks! |
October
October was a very interesting month, to say the least. Volleyball continued, and we were successful as ever. In the Goldwater tournament, our two starting outsides (and stars) Macey&Penina were both injured and out. This gave Kayla and I, as middles, the opportunity to show our team, coaches, and the whole state that we are just as capable to put the ball away. I can gladly say from this tournament, our team realized that the middle was a huge weapon we could use more often! Yay! We also had the Nike tournament at the end of the month, which was a good warmup for the state tournament. We also play Xavier during the regular season, but ended up losing in 5 games. It was a realy intense match, and it sucked to lose, but we were so close, so it showed us that we had the potential to beat them. My favorite match of the month, however, was senior night. Wow. It was absolutely amazing! We beat Basha in 5, in front of a HUGE crowd. So many friends& family showed up... it made us all feel so good. I think it was the reason why we played so flawlessly. We seriously made like ZERO mistakes! It was insane. The team worked really hard in October, because state was right around the corner. It was really bittersweet, playing those last few matches, because after that, I knew my volleyball career would be over. It was just weird, I guess. It was such a huge part of my life, but after the state tournament, it would be yanked from me. Though I am now sure it was the Lord's will, that he has bigger plans for me than playing college ball, it was really hard to accept defeat (due to my shoulder) at the time.
In October, I learned a lot about people, in general. Though times get tough, and we don't always get along, family will ALWAYS be there for me, and ALWAYS be number one. My mom bought a brand new Chevy Camaro that month, which made me a full time driver with the scion :) Chance started using the hummer. This made us all ridiculously happy! The car was beautiful. "Friends", though as a teenager seem the most important, would never be as consistent as family. Granted, there are a few close friends I consider family, so I know I can always rely on them, but in general, the 1000 facebook friends I had were not ones I could count on in times of need. I had lots of friends, and I was meeting a ton of new people this year, but I let myself fall into trusting them more than family/close friends... which was definitely a mistake. Though I learned the hard way, I realized I had to be a little more careful in trusting so called "friends" and giving my heart out too easily. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and once I meet someone, it is easy for me to care about them! I learned that people don't always realize what they have in front of them, but that I should not hold grudges against them for screwing me over. People make mistakes, but they are only trying to be happy. Now, I learned I should not put my trust in them again, but it was not worth it to hold onto hard feelings. That was inspired by Satan, not the Lord, to dwell on the negative. I moved on to better things :)
So I got to know three really amazing people this month! Garrett Dible, Taylor Morgan, and Jordan Cuadras. These are the kids I was talking about earlier, ones I never thought I would have been friends with. Before September, I honestly hadn't known they existed haha, which was kind of sad! I met Garrett in my AP Government class, and we INSTANTLY clicked! He was such a great guy, in general. He always made me laugh, and I enjoyed cracking jokes with him in class while our teacher wasn't looking. I don't really remember how Taylor and I started talking, but I am sure glad we did! I tried convincing him& Garrett (who I soon discovered were best friends) to come to my volleyball games, but it took me about a month to do so. As I grew closer to them, they introduced me to Jordan. Pretty soon, these three guys became really important in my life! None of them are jocks or in any of my typical friend groups, I think that was why it was so refreshing to hang out with them, because they were so different from everyone else I knew. Jordan was in a band called Exit 48, which I thought was SO cool. They were pretty good (and they perform this week at G-stock!). Overall, I think they expanded my horizons, introduced me to people I had never known before, and opened my eyes to different ideas, ways of thinking, and styles of living. Though we have grown apart as the new semester has started (we don't have any classes anymore), I am so grateful for them and the contributions they have made in my life!
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| Habitat for Humanity. It was such an inspiring and awesome experience. |
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| Halloween with the Balls! (Andrew&Heather) Beer Keg, Cheshire Cat, Alice in Wonderland. :) |
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| Hugging the Buffalo Wild Wings mascot at the last football game of the season. It was a sad night for all of us seniors, whether we were on the field or not. It was the last time we would see our boys of fall play, but never again would us goons paint up& scream things from the stands. Since freshman year, each and every Friday night has been made by the football games. I could not have asked for anything better. <3 |
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| Carolyn Christensen's 18th birthday dinner/party! CeCi has been one of the most inspiring people I have met from high school. She was in my english class freshman year, but had to drop out due to a rare blood disease, called MDS. It took over a year to get diagnosed, and she continues to struggle with her health to this day. Througout the experience, however, she has become a light to those around the country. Recently, she was on the Today show, talking about the need for bone marrow donors and raising awareness. What a girl! |
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| Garrett, Jordie, and Taylor. These are actually from Black Friday in November (it was my first time!), but I thought I'd put them in October, since November was so crazy with state anyways. They are all awesome guys :) |
November
Easily, one of the greatest, yet trying months of my LIFE. To start off... MY VOLLEYBALL TEAM WON THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP! :) That just about sums it up. Just kidding. I'm going to write about it in it's own section, because I know it will be long. After volleyball ended, I had to focus on my senior research paper and college applications. I applied to ASU, UofA, and BYU. My top choice is BYU, but it really depends on scholarships. I have full tuition to the other 2 schools, which is hard to pass up! The senior research paper was SO annoying, and SO time consuming. I was working on it until the hour before it was due. Though I don't think it was my best work, I got a 95 on the whole project, so I took it haha. Note to all the seniors next year; DON'T PROCRASTINATE! You will want to shoot yourself.
In November, I was able to rest my body after 4 months of torture on my shoulder. Although towards the end of the month, I started to go on really long bike rides with Mallory. The atmosphere was relaxing, but they were actually really strenuous! The farthest we went was 20.6 miles, and boy, did my legs hurt after! I also went rock climbing/repelling with my ward. I brought Diana Mooney, it was a blast! It was really hard at first, because you really only use your toes to hold. I am much more of an arms person, so it was difficult adjusting to only using your legs to pull yourself up. It was a great experience, and I would love to do it again.
Thanksgiving was so rewarding this year. It would be the last Thanksgiving before Chance left on his mission... which reminds me, HE GOT HIS MISSION CALL! It was sooo cool! He actually just left to the MTC on January 11th, but he was called to serve in Louisville Kentucky, Spanish Speaking. The whole experience was new to my family, so it was all very exciting. Back to Thanksgiving. It is always really refreshing to spend time with family, but this year was especially nice. We stayed at my uncle Ladd's house literally all day, just eating, having a good time, and sharing stories and laughter. There is nothing better than listening to your parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents reminiscence about the past. I know I cannot wait to do that with my future family!
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| Rock Climbing! So legit. |
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| At an FCA meeting! Fellowship of Christian Athletes finally was able to become an official club this year, which could not have made me happier. There was nothing better than sharing our thoughts on Christ and his gospel, even though we were of different faiths! |
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| The night Chance opened his mission call. |
THE ROAD TO STATE 2011
After we stayed out partying (which was a blast! pizza, pazookies, chocolate milk& whipped cream, and hanging out with our devoted fans at Sarah Beene's house) till midnight on senior night, it was back to business. I was focused, to say the least, during the last month of season. Winning state, taking it all, has been my biggest dream& goal for high school. Though we had a somewhat tough path to state in the tournament, we were in the perfect position to come out victorious. As a team, we wanted it all, and we weren't going to settle for anything less.
In the first round, we had a home match versus Westview, a ghetto school from Phoenix. Because of the new section/seeding rules from the AIA, this team was able to make the state tournament, and a few good ones were cut. So it was a little weird! They were not very good, so of course, we dropped our level a little bit playing them. The match was pretty boring overall, but we beat them in 3. Our coach was disappointed that we dropped down our high level/speed of playing, but he understood, and told us to start focusing for our big quarterfinal match Thursday night.
In the second round, we were matched up against Hamilton. It was absolutely perfect. We lost to them last season in semi finals, so it was the perfect revenge for us. They were a really strong team, so we would have to play our game to win. We played them earlier in the season at the Nike tournament, and lost, so some of the girls were nervous. Most of us were confident that we would be able to win. As we came out of the locker room, into the gym, ready to play, we saw a HUGE crowd in the stands. The Hamilton fans (that called themselves the Dog Pound) thought it'd be cute to have a "whiteout" (where all their fans wear white). Our amazing student was not going to let them take the lead from the stands, however, so we had a "blackout". I have NEVER seen that many people there. It was absolutely amazing to see so many friends, family, former coaches, teammates, and people from the volleyball world there to watch such an intense match. The first two sets, we came out and KILLED them. It felt amazing to be able to do that to Hamilton! The third set, they picked their game back up, and ended up winning 26-24. It was a close game in the fourth set, but we pulled out the win! The game turned around when Angela Webb was put in, and she hardcore STUFFED an outside hitter with a massive block. It was absolutely amazing. I was blocking with her, but at the time, I did not even realize what had happened. The whole gym erupted. It was insane! :)
The third round was truly the most magical day of my life, next to state, of course. We were matched up with Xavier for semi-finals at Grand Canyon University. Gilbert has had the curse of the semi finals since 2006 since we last won the state championship, losing every year since then. I honestly think there were only a few girls including myself who, on the inside, knew we could win. Most doubted, I think, mainly because it was Xavier, and every time we played them that season we had lost (twice in tournaments, once during season). That bus ride was the longest of my life, but it was amazing. I completely zoned out, turned on my pump up music, and imagined dominating Xavier in every way possible. I can't forget to mention the spirit bus that came all the way out to support us, full of Gilbert high students/ athletes ready to cheer! It was awesome. There were SO many people there.
As we got to the gym, we went to warm up, mentally and physically. We listened to a song from Transformers (sounds cheesy, but it totally pumped us up and got us in the zone), said a prayer, talked about goals, and tried to keep the butterflies away from our stomachs. We were all a little nervous, but by the time we were halfway through the first game, we were ready to beat these preppy private school girls. We won the first two, lost the third, and won the fourth. WOW. After the match, it was complete hysteria. Both teams were crying. The Xavier girls were because their season was over (and their pre-designed state rings could not be ordered anymore). We were crying because we finally accomplished our goal of beating Xavier. We have never beat them, and we finally did it. We shut them down, and took the match. I remember right after we shook hands, Kayla and I both looked at each other and started bawling our eyes out. It was definitely a funny sight to see. We felt so many emotions, and it almost felt unreal. I always knew we could do it, I never had a doubt, but seeing it actually happen, and being the girl on the court to do it, was so weird. I also remember hugging my dad after the game. I think he was crying too. He has been there supporting me since 6th grade at all my volleyball games, practices, and tournaments. I know I made him so proud, and it was definitely one of the greatest feelings in the world.
As we got to the gym, we went to warm up, mentally and physically. We listened to a song from Transformers (sounds cheesy, but it totally pumped us up and got us in the zone), said a prayer, talked about goals, and tried to keep the butterflies away from our stomachs. We were all a little nervous, but by the time we were halfway through the first game, we were ready to beat these preppy private school girls. We won the first two, lost the third, and won the fourth. WOW. After the match, it was complete hysteria. Both teams were crying. The Xavier girls were because their season was over (and their pre-designed state rings could not be ordered anymore). We were crying because we finally accomplished our goal of beating Xavier. We have never beat them, and we finally did it. We shut them down, and took the match. I remember right after we shook hands, Kayla and I both looked at each other and started bawling our eyes out. It was definitely a funny sight to see. We felt so many emotions, and it almost felt unreal. I always knew we could do it, I never had a doubt, but seeing it actually happen, and being the girl on the court to do it, was so weird. I also remember hugging my dad after the game. I think he was crying too. He has been there supporting me since 6th grade at all my volleyball games, practices, and tournaments. I know I made him so proud, and it was definitely one of the greatest feelings in the world.
(Note: I am not done with this section! I figured I should just post this now, then finish this part later, since it is so long anyways.)
December
It was definitely a weird month, to say the least. People screwed me over so many times in this month, it sucked. Haha so it was kind of a sad month for me. But hey, you live and learn, right? If anything, I have learned I need to not care so much about people and choose friends more wisely.
December was stressful trying to finish the semester out strong, study for finals, and get everything done I needed to before the year ended... which included finding a new job (I could NOT go back to Sonic, I would have had a mental breakdown). Luckily, I finished the semester with straight A's, and got a job at IHOP as a waitress! It was hard work, but I did it, and it felt great.
Seminary that month was so spiritual for me. I felt the Spirit so much, and it just reconfirmed my testimony daily going into class. It's so cool to see how the Gospel transforms people's lives... even if they have been members since birth. You can truly have an impact on someone, just through your words and example. Because of seminary, I have learned to see the best in people, even through their hard, outer, not always attractive, shells. If you dig deep enough, though, you can find a beautiful inside, full of goodness, testimony, and light! We should never judge people, and learn to be that shining example others will look too. If we all strove to do that
I have learned that I will NEVER fully understand people or life... but I guess that is how it is supposed to be. You take what you get, and try to help each other out on the way. No more holding grudges or having expectations for people. People aren't perfect, so if they hurt you, it's unintentional. If it was intentional, you obviously don't need a person like that in your life, and you should distance yourself from them (even if it hurts).
"Every person is meant to be in your life for a reason. Some are blessings, but some are lessons. Some will walk in, and never walk out; don't be surprised if they do, though." That is my take on it, I guess. A lot of people surprised me this month. I had a lot of people walk out... which in the end, is fine. I should be happy with the contributions they made to my life, and get over it. But it's not an easy thing to do! Once you become my friend, I deeply care about you. Even if we aren't very close, my heart instantly goes out to you. I am extremely loyal, and I expect that loyalty in return. It's hard when I don't always get it (actually, its like 90% of the time haha), because I know I would do anything for you, but you don't always feel that in return.
I actually had a really deep conversation with Heather Ball about it, and she taught me something really important. I was really impressed with her, especially because she is only 15 years old! She is wise beyond her years, I think that is why we are such good friends. I confided in her in the fact that I am scared to graduate because I know I will fall away from a lot of my "close friends" that I have now. She told me that it was just a part of life that we all have to deal with, and that I should just treasure the memories we have made. She told me I would move away, grow, and meet new people, but those memories will always be there to smile on, even if those people aren't there to enjoy them with you. It seriously helped me so much!
Christmas, like Thanksgiving, was really sweet spending time with family. There is seriously nothing better or that gives me more joy! I think that is what Christmas is all about. Being like Christ, loving and serving one another, and following him. Family teaches you all of that, because that is where it is the hardest to put into action! It's easy to serve simple strangers... but to do something nice for your annoying brother or picky mom? That's tough. I absolutely love my family. Though Christmas was small and simple for my family (especially with Chance leaving on a mission a month later), it was memorable. The best (and essentially only) present I got was my STATE RING! It was a complete surprise, and easily the best present I have ever received. I have not taken it off since I got it.
Winter break was pretty relaxing! I actually did not do a lot... and whether that was due to plans failing, friends bailing, or people being sketchy in general, it doesn't really matter. I spent time with those who made time for me :)
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| Winter formal was so much fun! I loved everyone in the group. Though the music was lame, we had a decent time. After, a smaller group came over to my house and had a bonfire. Most left by midnight, but one stayed until about 3:30 just talking with me. It was nice. |
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| First night of winter break after going to the Gilbert vs. Highland soccer game. Love my football boys! |
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| I got a new haircut! I chopped off about 6 inches and got some serious layers. It might have been a small thing, but haircuts are a big deal to me. It signalized a change I was making in my life. |
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| Winter break shenanigans! Sherlock holmes midnight premier the night before our last final, house sitting with the girls in Ahwatukee, Diana's annual Christmas party, and Temple lights. |
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| The little things truly add up. I've seen this teacher around school, and he has always kind of freaked me out. When I recognized it was him, it totally changed my perspective on him. No one asked him to dress up, but he did, and passed out candy canes, out of the kindness of his heart, and because he knew he could make people smile. I don't even know his name... but what a great teacher and person. Love the holiday season, you truly see the best in people. |
Well, I am glad 2011 is over, to say the least. A lot of amazing things happened, a lot of trials were concurred, but I am ready to move on to the next stage of my life... COLLEGE! :)
I am going to finish off this blog post with my New Years Resolutions. Now, being realistic, they aren't going to be perfectly achievable ones. Overall, I just want to look back, and see a decent amount of progress from 2011!
2012 Goals
- Stop trying to figure everything out! Just go with the flow of life, appreciate the good times, learn to get over the sad ones, and just live life as it comes.
- Love and serve others more, through word, deed, and example.
- Focus on the big things of life, and stop stressing over the small ones.
- Not go on facebook/twitter/pinterest/stumbleupon so much.
- Time management! ^ Get what needs to get done first.
- Spend more time with my family. Make sure to email Chance weekly (as he is gone on his mission now).
- Go hard or go home! Never do anything half way, give it my all. Finish what I start.
- Post on this blog at least once a month as my journal for the month so I don't have to do a super long entry at the end of the year like I just had to!
Until next time,
Hunter Howard
Quote for the post:
"Live without pretending. Love without depending. Listen without defending. Speak without offending." -Unknown
JustLetLoveIn <3
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