Sometimes, life just throws you into a trance. Everything around you seems to be spinning out of control, but you are paralyzed, stuck in a rut, when everyone else seems to be moving forward. I've been doing some reading lately into psychology to get ready for college, and I've come up with a little theory (true, I have no diploma, but I think you can all relate to what I have to say).
Problems, change, stress are always in your life, but whether or not they are on the forefront of your mind depends on where you are mentally, spiritually, in knowing, acting, and being yourself. When you are busy, occupied with a job, school, hobby, family life, friends, or even a certain someone, you don't tend to analyze what is happening in your life and around it. You focus on getting through the days, from one task to the next. You do what you have to do to get things accomplished, and generally, you are happy. Granted, if you are involved with things that don't make you happy, you are going to be miserable. But its when time slows down, that your mind starts to think a little more in depth about the events, people, feelings in your personal world.
Summer is the perfect "incubation period" for these trances. I work, hang out with friends, and have tasks to accomplish; yet the time seems to move much slower than it did when I had school during the day. I have only been getting a few days a week at IHOP since summer started, so I should have known a day like this would come up sooner or later. At the beginning of June, it felt like I had a thousand things to do. Get ready for college (student loans, housing, registration for classes, orientation, etc), go to California, attend tons of beginning of summer events (parties, lake/river trips, graduation celebrations, etc), and earn tons of money for the fall at work. As the month wore on, however, everything seemed to settle down, which got me to thinking about some things. A.) Why have so many of my "friends" literally stopped talking/hanging out with me since school got out? B.) Why am I so excited to leave this state for college? and C.) What the HECK am I doing with my life as an adult? So after about a week or two of constantly thinking about these things, today, it happened.
I literally did nothing all day. It was absolutely pathetic. I had work off, and it is always nice to be lazy somedays. Yet today, it made me sick to my stomach to sit at home so much and not do anything productive. I was dying to do something, but had no friends to do it with. Which got me to thinking about my top 3 questions to worry about.
A.) I have over a 1000 friends on facebook. I like to think of myself as a decently popular person, someone people like to hang out with. Yet as I thought more about it, I was not even sure who I would call my true and closest friends. I feel like the people I thought I was closest to have all forgotten about the amazing friendships we used to hold. I feel like I don't get invited to ANYTHING anymore unless it is a big party. There is something wrong with that. Why are these people pulling away? They seem to be finding new best friends. Maybe it's because I like to view every relationship I have with different people as "special". I would do anything for a lot of them, and I guess it just isn't reciprocated. Maybe I am just jealous. I'm not sure what it is, but it had me feeling pretty down.
B.) I am very excited to leave. But I think it is more of leaving all the problems, disappointments, and broken hearts here, and getting a fresh start. I don't admit it to myself, but I am SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. Will people like me up there? What if I am lonely, no friends, no boys to talk to, no activities other than class? What if I am not smart enough to do well? I am taking out so many loans, what if I fail? What if my "friends" or family back in AZ forget about me, or stop caring? So at this point, not only was I down, I was kinda stressing out.
C.) Before you grow up, you think the future will be perfect. You'll have a blast in college, meet the perfect guy, fall in love, get married, have a perfect family, live a happy life, no problems. As you get older, you realize that is far from reality. More and more problems arise in the world every day. Nothing seems to be true or perfect anymore. What if I get a divorce? What if I am in debt? What if I don't have a good relationship with my kids? What if they fall into deep sin? So many possible problems, some have to happen, right? Now, I am sick to my stomach depressed about my current situation, and the future.
I must admit I finally drug myself to the gym for an hour, but that wasn't until 7:30pm! After my workout, the "trance" had basically worn off, but I am still feeling the after affects of it. Life is gonna be rough. People are going to disappoint you, you are going to disappoint yourself, things aren't going to go according to plan. But if you want to be happy and lead a fulfilling life, you just have to suck it up and get over it. It's hard as humans to follow our own advice sometimes. This world doesn't have time for the weak, nor will it pity them. I can't be one of those people. At the same time, this though is really saddening for me. I don't want anyone to be trampled under the weight of life, washed away by society into a river of depression. I think that is part of the reason I want to study psychology; I want to fix and help people, and most of all, I want to make them happy. It's always been easier for me to do that for other people than myself, however.
I know that I can prevent feeling like this by staying active in the Gospel, yet it seems so hard for me. It is so frustrating! I want to pray and read my scriptures in a habit every morning and night. I know that I need to gain a better relationship with Christ. It seems like I only call upon his aid when I need it, instead of being that constant companion. I feel guilty about it everyday! Yet I still haven't been able to consistently start any habits. I hate these cycles I get in! Some months I'll be on a spiritual high, the next barely attending church or praying or anything! It's despicable. I need that friendship with Christ, it's something that is desperately missing from my life, and it is my own fault. I rely too much on other people and the world for my comfort, when really, I should be turning to him. Maybe I just feel awkward sometimes praying, because it's like I'm talking to no one. I know he is there, but it is just really hard to feel sometimes. The Spirit is an interesting thing. You cannot tell it to come on command, it is on it's own schedule, and you have to heed it's small, quiet whisperings to catch it. Something I apparently am not very good at.
Anyways, it's definitely a part of the reason I chose BYU. Not that many people seem to get it when they ask me why I chose Provo. They wouldn't really understand, anyways, so I don't usually tell. But I am dying to get closer to Christ, to better understand the Gospel, to feel the Spirit more, and mainly, to be reborn. I want to become a Saint, I want to completely change all the negative things about me. I want to be Christ's servant. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud. I just really hope I can do that there, in that more spiritual-minded climate.
It's getting late and I know I am rambling. It always feels good to express how I am feeling though, so judge me all ya want! Everything will be alright. Trust in the Lord, he will direct thy paths for good. Keep doing what is right, and chugging through life. There will be blessings that we cannot see right now along the way. I have that faith, with all of my being. Everything will be alright, in the end, because God wants us all to be ridiculously happy. If I want that, I should work towards that starting now, and not just wait until he grants it to me. He will grant it to everyone, because he loves us. But I want to earn it. I want to do that, for me, after everything he has done for me. I mean, he died for me. For all of us. The least we can do is try to stay in contact, and help his other children. Right?
Thursday, June 28
Saturday, June 16
Growing Up
I find myself pulling away. College looms ever closer; 67 days until move-in. I've been spending a lot of time with myself lately, just thinking, relaxing, preparing for the future. The more I do this, the more I realize how ready I am to become that independent woman I have always longed to be. I deeply treasure all the memories, friends, and marks I have made in the valley of the sun these past 18 years. They have shaped me into the person I am today, but they also propel me to go forward and grow. It's going to be tough, scary, and expensive, but I know in the end it will be worth it.
I sincerely treasure this town and the people in it. Even through the dark times, I will always look back on my childhood with the highest esteem. I was greatly blessed in more than one area; friends, school, sports, activities, family, church. I have been surrounded by absolutely amazing people.
Even with all of that, however, I do not have much left here for me. I feel as though I have outgrown this town.
I do not have any people holding me back from moving on. A part of me wishes I did; wishes I had that high school love the songs on the radio talk about. I thought I made connections with people, but for the most part, they did not end up being true or beneficial. One side of me can look back with disappointment, but every other part of me is encouraging me on, to keep looking, and expand my views of the world.
We think we know what love is. We think we know someone. Better yet, we think we know ourselves. But something I've learned is that is what we will spend our whole lives doing, getting to better know others and ourselves. Without doubt, we can learn something new everyday, good or bad. My brain is hungry for knowledge that cannot be learned in Gilbert. My spirit is restless to roam free and forge a path for the rest of my life. I do so with a calm smile, considerate heart, and open mind.
Norah Jones' new album, "Little Broken Hearts", captures the essence of my feelings this summer. Just listening to the music, added in with the insightful lyrics, maintains my composure and satisfaction with life and where I am headed. It's time to reach out of warm cocoon and step out into the sun.
I sincerely treasure this town and the people in it. Even through the dark times, I will always look back on my childhood with the highest esteem. I was greatly blessed in more than one area; friends, school, sports, activities, family, church. I have been surrounded by absolutely amazing people.
Even with all of that, however, I do not have much left here for me. I feel as though I have outgrown this town.
I do not have any people holding me back from moving on. A part of me wishes I did; wishes I had that high school love the songs on the radio talk about. I thought I made connections with people, but for the most part, they did not end up being true or beneficial. One side of me can look back with disappointment, but every other part of me is encouraging me on, to keep looking, and expand my views of the world.
We think we know what love is. We think we know someone. Better yet, we think we know ourselves. But something I've learned is that is what we will spend our whole lives doing, getting to better know others and ourselves. Without doubt, we can learn something new everyday, good or bad. My brain is hungry for knowledge that cannot be learned in Gilbert. My spirit is restless to roam free and forge a path for the rest of my life. I do so with a calm smile, considerate heart, and open mind.
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." - proverb
Wednesday, June 13
Na Na Na Na. Hey Hey Hey. Goodbye.
I figured the six hour car ride to California for our senior trip would be a good time to write my end of high school blog post. Sitting in the back, surrounded by some of the most amazing girls I have met these past four years, I can only smile as I listen to them talk and laugh. They are all so beautiful, happy, confident, and strong, filled with the light of Christ. Three of us are going to BYU, two are going to ASU, and one is going to NAU. Though our time in Gilbert is basically over, our lives are just beginning.
Everyone says high school goes by fast, but no one can ever truly realize that until they are lining up in the school before walking out onto the field for graduation. The last month of senior year is honestly the weirdest thing in the entire world. Walking through the halls, you take in every inch of the school that has been your home for four years.
Towards the end of the year, I went and sat in the gym by myself during a slow class period. I went into the middle of the court and laid on the tiger, looking around. I thought about the countless hours spent in there over the years, training and practicing for the state championship we won in November. I thought about how many goals I had accomplished in there; overcoming my shoulder injury, keeping my spot on varsity, and starting my senior year. I thought about all the friends I had made in that gym, all the summers we spent working to create the team chemistry that made us so successful. As I walked out, looking at our banner, I said goodbye to the jungle.
For me, I guess I just like to take everything in, stand on the sidelines and watch everyone. I love to watch friends meet up and hug, pass around yearbooks, and take pictures with the seniors that would soon be leaving. It really is weird to think about the thousands of people I've met throughout high school, where they are going in life, and the fact that I most likely will never see some of them again.
Graduation was not a spectacular surge of emotion like I expected it to be. It was a nice ceremony, all of the speeches were really heartfelt. Many of them made us laugh, cheer, and stand up. At the beginning, Dr. Santa Cruz called up five students to do the welcome in different languages. I was selected for American Sign Language, and luckily I did not mess up at all! I surprised my family and friends, and my parents were so proud; it was really special. Of course, we had the beach balls, silly string, confetti, glitter, etc that every class does for graduation. This year, though, it seemed like all the teachers, security, and administrators were not concerned with the antics; for the most part, they let kids do whatever they wanted, with smiles on their faces. I think it was due to the fact that it was Santa Cruz's last year, he truly wanted to soak up the graduates and school he had been with for so long. I did not cry like I expected to. Many of the younger students who had come to watch were crying their eyes out on the field after, but I only felt happy. I am completely satisfied with my high school experience. It's a little bittersweet to think it's over and that I am finally an "adult", but I am ready to move on.
As fulfilling as high school has been for me, with all the amazing clubs, teachers, friends, and activities I have been involved in, I am done with the immaturity of many of my classmates and peers. I am hoping people in college will be more focused on what they want and mindful of others around them.
There are many lessons I have learned in high school, and I wish I could share them all so I could save people from heartbreak, tears, and struggle. But something I have learned is that everyone has to make their own mistakes in order to learn. You can hear it from other people and try to follow their advice, but in order for it to truly sink it, it has to be personally taught, experiencing it first hand. Advice is helpful and can definitely save you some trouble, but without a testimony of the principle gained by yourself, it will not mean much. For example, I was always told I should not even attend parties where there would be alcohol and drugs. Of course, from all the peer pressure, I had to attend one to learn for myself why we should keep our distance from those. First of all, it smells bad. Just the smell alone could keep me away, but the way people act when they are under the influence is flat out ridiculous. They are not their true selves, and find happiness from a bottle or bong. They will never find stability in that; the emotional issues they hide underneath will always surface. Their wounds will never heal in that environment. I found myself disgusted, so I vowed to never get in that atmosphere again.
The biggest piece of advice I would give though, cliche as it is, is simply to live without regret. You can never be afraid of opening up your heart and mind to new ideas, opportunities, and people. Some of the people that have taught me the most in high school are the ones I branched out to find. I never thought I would have been friends with people so far out of my typical "jock" or "LDS" circles. You have to take chances in order to gain the best kind of memories. Break a few rules (not big ones! You should never drop your standards or morals. EVER!!!!! You'll only regret it!), stay out a little too late, and don't be afraid to talk to someone new.
Well, high school is over. A new chapter is beginning. Time to grow up, find your place in the world, right?
With complete faith in God and his merciful son Jesus Christ, I know I can do anything I set my mind too, and I know I will find happiness. So, cheers!
Everyone says high school goes by fast, but no one can ever truly realize that until they are lining up in the school before walking out onto the field for graduation. The last month of senior year is honestly the weirdest thing in the entire world. Walking through the halls, you take in every inch of the school that has been your home for four years.
Towards the end of the year, I went and sat in the gym by myself during a slow class period. I went into the middle of the court and laid on the tiger, looking around. I thought about the countless hours spent in there over the years, training and practicing for the state championship we won in November. I thought about how many goals I had accomplished in there; overcoming my shoulder injury, keeping my spot on varsity, and starting my senior year. I thought about all the friends I had made in that gym, all the summers we spent working to create the team chemistry that made us so successful. As I walked out, looking at our banner, I said goodbye to the jungle.
For me, I guess I just like to take everything in, stand on the sidelines and watch everyone. I love to watch friends meet up and hug, pass around yearbooks, and take pictures with the seniors that would soon be leaving. It really is weird to think about the thousands of people I've met throughout high school, where they are going in life, and the fact that I most likely will never see some of them again.
Graduation was not a spectacular surge of emotion like I expected it to be. It was a nice ceremony, all of the speeches were really heartfelt. Many of them made us laugh, cheer, and stand up. At the beginning, Dr. Santa Cruz called up five students to do the welcome in different languages. I was selected for American Sign Language, and luckily I did not mess up at all! I surprised my family and friends, and my parents were so proud; it was really special. Of course, we had the beach balls, silly string, confetti, glitter, etc that every class does for graduation. This year, though, it seemed like all the teachers, security, and administrators were not concerned with the antics; for the most part, they let kids do whatever they wanted, with smiles on their faces. I think it was due to the fact that it was Santa Cruz's last year, he truly wanted to soak up the graduates and school he had been with for so long. I did not cry like I expected to. Many of the younger students who had come to watch were crying their eyes out on the field after, but I only felt happy. I am completely satisfied with my high school experience. It's a little bittersweet to think it's over and that I am finally an "adult", but I am ready to move on.
As fulfilling as high school has been for me, with all the amazing clubs, teachers, friends, and activities I have been involved in, I am done with the immaturity of many of my classmates and peers. I am hoping people in college will be more focused on what they want and mindful of others around them.
There are many lessons I have learned in high school, and I wish I could share them all so I could save people from heartbreak, tears, and struggle. But something I have learned is that everyone has to make their own mistakes in order to learn. You can hear it from other people and try to follow their advice, but in order for it to truly sink it, it has to be personally taught, experiencing it first hand. Advice is helpful and can definitely save you some trouble, but without a testimony of the principle gained by yourself, it will not mean much. For example, I was always told I should not even attend parties where there would be alcohol and drugs. Of course, from all the peer pressure, I had to attend one to learn for myself why we should keep our distance from those. First of all, it smells bad. Just the smell alone could keep me away, but the way people act when they are under the influence is flat out ridiculous. They are not their true selves, and find happiness from a bottle or bong. They will never find stability in that; the emotional issues they hide underneath will always surface. Their wounds will never heal in that environment. I found myself disgusted, so I vowed to never get in that atmosphere again.
The biggest piece of advice I would give though, cliche as it is, is simply to live without regret. You can never be afraid of opening up your heart and mind to new ideas, opportunities, and people. Some of the people that have taught me the most in high school are the ones I branched out to find. I never thought I would have been friends with people so far out of my typical "jock" or "LDS" circles. You have to take chances in order to gain the best kind of memories. Break a few rules (not big ones! You should never drop your standards or morals. EVER!!!!! You'll only regret it!), stay out a little too late, and don't be afraid to talk to someone new.
Well, high school is over. A new chapter is beginning. Time to grow up, find your place in the world, right?
With complete faith in God and his merciful son Jesus Christ, I know I can do anything I set my mind too, and I know I will find happiness. So, cheers!
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