Wake Up

Sometimes, life just throws you into a trance. Everything around you seems to be spinning out of control, but you are paralyzed, stuck in a rut, when everyone else seems to be moving forward. I've been doing some reading lately into psychology to get ready for college, and I've come up with a little theory (true, I have no diploma, but I think you can all relate to what I have to say).
Problems, change, stress are always in your life, but whether or not they are on the forefront of your mind depends on where you are mentally, spiritually, in knowing, acting, and being yourself. When you are busy, occupied with a job, school, hobby, family life, friends, or even a certain someone, you don't tend to analyze what is happening in your life and around it. You focus on getting through the days, from one task to the next. You do what you have to do to get things accomplished, and generally, you are happy. Granted, if you are involved with things that don't make you happy, you are going to be miserable. But its when time slows down, that your mind starts to think a little more in depth about the events, people, feelings in your personal world.
Summer is the perfect "incubation period" for these trances. I work, hang out with friends, and have tasks to accomplish; yet the time seems to move much slower than it did when I had school during the day. I have only been getting a few days a week at IHOP since summer started, so I should have known a day like this would come up sooner or later. At the beginning of June, it felt like I had a thousand things to do. Get ready for college (student loans, housing, registration for classes, orientation, etc), go to California, attend tons of beginning of summer events (parties, lake/river trips, graduation celebrations, etc), and earn tons of money for the fall at work. As the month wore on, however, everything seemed to settle down, which got me to thinking about some things. A.) Why have so many of my "friends" literally stopped talking/hanging out with me since school got out? B.) Why am I so excited to leave this state for college? and C.) What the HECK am I doing with my life as an adult? So after about a week or two of constantly thinking about these things, today, it happened.
I literally did nothing all day. It was absolutely pathetic. I had work off, and it is always nice to be lazy somedays. Yet today, it made me sick to my stomach to sit at home so much and not do anything productive. I was dying to do something, but had no friends to do it with. Which got me to thinking about my top 3 questions to worry about.
A.) I have over a 1000 friends on facebook. I like to think of myself as a decently popular person, someone people like to hang out with. Yet as I thought more about it, I was not even sure who I would call my true and closest friends. I feel like the people I thought I was closest to have all forgotten about the amazing friendships we used to hold. I feel like I don't get invited to ANYTHING anymore unless it is a big party. There is something wrong with that. Why are these people pulling away? They seem to be finding new best friends. Maybe it's because I like to view every relationship I have with different people as "special". I would do anything for a lot of them, and I guess it just isn't reciprocated. Maybe I am just jealous. I'm not sure what it is, but it had me feeling pretty down.
B.) I am very excited to leave. But I think it is more of leaving all the problems, disappointments, and broken hearts here, and getting a fresh start. I don't admit it to myself, but I am SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. Will people like me up there? What if I am lonely, no friends, no boys to talk to, no activities other than class? What if I am not smart enough to do well? I am taking out so many loans, what if I fail? What if my "friends" or family back in AZ forget about me, or stop caring? So at this point, not only was I down, I was kinda stressing out.
C.) Before you grow up, you think the future will be perfect. You'll have a blast in college, meet the perfect guy, fall in love, get married, have a perfect family, live a happy life, no problems. As you get older, you realize that is far from reality. More and more problems arise in the world every day. Nothing seems to be true or perfect anymore. What if I get a divorce? What if I am in debt? What if I don't have a good relationship with my kids? What if they fall into deep sin? So many possible problems, some have to happen, right? Now, I am sick to my stomach depressed about my current situation, and the future.
I must admit I finally drug myself to the gym for an hour, but that wasn't until 7:30pm! After my workout, the "trance" had basically worn off, but I am still feeling the after affects of it. Life is gonna be rough. People are going to disappoint you, you are going to disappoint yourself, things aren't going to go according to plan. But if you want to be happy and lead a fulfilling life, you just have to suck it up and get over it. It's hard as humans to follow our own advice sometimes. This world doesn't have time for the weak, nor will it pity them. I can't be one of those people. At the same time, this though is really saddening for me. I don't want anyone to be trampled under the weight of life, washed away by society into a river of depression. I think that is part of the reason I want to study psychology; I want to fix and help people, and most of all, I want to make them happy. It's always been easier for me to do that for other people than myself, however.
I know that I can prevent feeling like this by staying active in the Gospel, yet it seems so hard for me. It is so frustrating! I want to pray and read my scriptures in a habit every morning and night. I know that I need to gain a better relationship with Christ. It seems like I only call upon his aid when I need it, instead of being that constant companion. I feel guilty about it everyday! Yet I still haven't been able to consistently start any habits. I hate these cycles I get in! Some months I'll be on a spiritual high, the next barely attending church or praying or anything! It's despicable. I need that friendship with Christ, it's something that is desperately missing from my life, and it is my own fault. I rely too much on other people and the world for my comfort, when really, I should be turning to him. Maybe I just feel awkward sometimes praying, because it's like I'm talking to no one. I know he is there, but it is just really hard to feel sometimes. The Spirit is an interesting thing. You cannot tell it to come on command, it is on it's own schedule, and you have to heed it's small, quiet whisperings to catch it. Something I apparently am not very good at.
Anyways, it's definitely a part of the reason I chose BYU. Not that many people seem to get it when they ask me why I chose Provo. They wouldn't really understand, anyways, so I don't usually tell. But I am dying to get closer to Christ, to better understand the Gospel, to feel the Spirit more, and mainly, to be reborn. I want to become a Saint, I want to completely change all the negative things about me. I want to be Christ's servant. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud. I just really hope I can do that there, in that more spiritual-minded climate.
It's getting late and I know I am rambling. It always feels good to express how I am feeling though, so judge me all ya want! Everything will be alright. Trust in the Lord, he will direct thy paths for good. Keep doing what is right, and chugging through life. There will be blessings that we cannot see right now along the way. I have that faith, with all of my being. Everything will be alright, in the end, because God wants us all to be ridiculously happy. If I want that, I should work towards that starting now, and not just wait until he grants it to me. He will grant it to everyone, because he loves us. But I want to earn it. I want to do that, for me, after everything he has done for me. I mean, he died for me. For all of us. The least we can do is try to stay in contact, and help his other children. Right?