Today just goes to show that there must be opposition in all things, that you cannot experience happiness without sadness, that you cannot experience success without failure, that you have to experience disappointments before life can pass your wildest expectations.
I struggle in my feelings here.
I want so badly to find my fairytale. I'm not looking to get married right now; I'm just not mature enough or ready yet. It's hard to try and date when I'm looking for perfection. When I find the right one, his imperfections and flaws will not matter to me, so until I feel that, I guess I will continue being disappointed. I just want to be special. I want to be somebody's world. I want someone to think I am the most intriguing girl they have ever met. I want to have an undeniable and magical connection and attraction to someone. I guess I shouldn't be looking for my soul mate right now if I am not ready to get married, but how do you date someone you couldn't see yourself marrying?
I'm sort of seeing a boy right now. It's really light and casual; he is a great guy and friend! He is easily the nicest and most well rounded boy I've probably ever had feelings for. But, there is this lingering doubt in the back of my mind that I'm just not that special to him. We haven't been on any dates, we've just been hanging out a lot. I get that it is hard to go off campus seeing as neither of us brought our cars up... but sometimes I just feel like he is just going along with the whole thing, like I showed interest, so why not? I just want to feel special. It's seriously all I want. Maybe I am just too loyal and fall too easily for guys. I want this to work out and be something great, but I have this sick feeling in my stomach after tonight that once again, it's not going to work out.
I want to discover my dreams, my purpose in life. All I have ever had is volleyball; I'm good at it, and I've got the record to prove it. Now that I am in college, however, and not on the team, it's really hard adjusting. I miss it SO MUCH. I hate not being in the athlete's circle. It's the only place I've ever felt that I truly belonged. I'm on an intramural team, and I absolutely love playing again. But it's just not the same. Tonight, we lost. It's a double elimination tournament, so we are still in it. But this loss has shaken me up a bit. It makes me question the unfailing confidence I have in my volleyball skills. I did not play well at all; I made a bunch of stupid mistakes. Granted, it was definitely an off night for the whole team. But I just feel so humiliated and dumb. If my confidence in this is higher than it should be, what else am I talking myself up in? Maybe I'm not as unique, bright, or pretty as I'd like to believe I am. I admit, I probably am a little cocky when it comes to volleyball. But other than that, I am not overly confident in anything, my self-worth or self-esteem.
I know the Lord loves me and has an amazing plan for my life. I feel like 18 years have already passed, and I am still waiting for it to happen. I should try to live in the moment and experience life as it comes, but I just feel like I am constantly waiting for something to happen in my day to day life. I am constantly disappointed.
The tradeoff between high expectations and settling is confusing. I want my life to be magical. I see glimpses of magic everywhere, but they never turn out to be what I want them to. I guess I will continue my search for something different, something to change my life, and open my eyes to a whole new world of possibilities and dreams. I am not much of a quitter, I have to see things through. However, I don't want to set myself up for failure. I am so scared of not becoming who I am supposed to become, of not finding the person I am supposed to spend eternity with. I just don't want to look back on my life and realize I settled, that I never discovered my true destiny.
I am going to pull back from the boy a bit, maybe my friends too. I think I need to focus on school and catch up. If I put myself to work, I believe the Lord will put the people into my life that I need to meet. This is my faith and testimony. Here goes nothing.
Wednesday, October 3
Thursday, August 9
Midnight Thoughts
Today was a weird day. It wasn't necessarily a good one, unfortunately. But, we all must have these days, for they are full of struggle, learning, and reflection. I made a few, honest mistakes. I was trying my best, yet being a human, I fell short. Now they weren't serious, life shattering mistakes. Just enough to make me feel a little disappointed in myself, because I let people down. It was not all mu fault, many other things could have prevented them, but as the one in charge, it was mu responsibility to see that everything worked out. So i had to take the fall for it. I hate disappointing others, because I truly try to make everyone around me happy. Yet, one of the people they affected saw fit to confront me about them, yell at me, and leave me feeling absolutely horrible. That gut feeling that refuses to leave? Yeah, I've had it all night. Of course, the issue stays at the front of my mind and I cannot think of anything else. I wish I could brush it off; in perspective, it wasn't that big of a deal, everything ended up ok in the end, and because it was a short term engagement, I will never have to see these people again. But, it lingers.
After thinking a lot about today, I realize today is a typical day on earth. Humans are consistently imperfect; on both sides of a problem, people make the wrong decisions, most of the time unknowingly, so everyone ends up hurt/ offended in some way. Jesus Christ teaches us how to be better to ourselves, others, and the world. Yet it is so hard for us to follow! Satan pulls at us from every angle. Human nature tells us to be dramatic and emotional when in reality, we should just drop it and move on. It is satans voice in the back of our minds that tells us to not only be upset at the other person, but ourselves. Satan tells us we are worthless, yet better than everyone around us. It is so hypocritical! I long for a way to tune him out instantly. When I look back on my days, I can see his presence, but in the moment, it is hard I distinguish and look for opportunities to forget about human nature and serve Christ. We all need his love, grace, Mercy, justice, and infinite wisdom in our lives. I Long for the day when we can be received into heaven, where there will be no heartache, no problems, and no trials or temptations. Satan makes it so hard for us to follow Christ in this life. He has all of his efforts on us at all times; it's like the devil has an infinite number of troops that will help him carry out his plan of destruction. We must rise above! We must fight for Christ! We must cast the serpent out, and bring the Gospel into our hearts. It is my hope and prayer that we can all do this, but it is my biggest desire that I can make this personal change this year at BYU. I dream about the day I will be able to hug my brother, and all my previously worldly worries would fall from my shoulders. He'll tell me "Well done", then proceed to do the same to all those I love and hold dear to me. That day is far off, though, so we must hold steadfast in Christ, and become the people worthy to be held in his arms.
After thinking a lot about today, I realize today is a typical day on earth. Humans are consistently imperfect; on both sides of a problem, people make the wrong decisions, most of the time unknowingly, so everyone ends up hurt/ offended in some way. Jesus Christ teaches us how to be better to ourselves, others, and the world. Yet it is so hard for us to follow! Satan pulls at us from every angle. Human nature tells us to be dramatic and emotional when in reality, we should just drop it and move on. It is satans voice in the back of our minds that tells us to not only be upset at the other person, but ourselves. Satan tells us we are worthless, yet better than everyone around us. It is so hypocritical! I long for a way to tune him out instantly. When I look back on my days, I can see his presence, but in the moment, it is hard I distinguish and look for opportunities to forget about human nature and serve Christ. We all need his love, grace, Mercy, justice, and infinite wisdom in our lives. I Long for the day when we can be received into heaven, where there will be no heartache, no problems, and no trials or temptations. Satan makes it so hard for us to follow Christ in this life. He has all of his efforts on us at all times; it's like the devil has an infinite number of troops that will help him carry out his plan of destruction. We must rise above! We must fight for Christ! We must cast the serpent out, and bring the Gospel into our hearts. It is my hope and prayer that we can all do this, but it is my biggest desire that I can make this personal change this year at BYU. I dream about the day I will be able to hug my brother, and all my previously worldly worries would fall from my shoulders. He'll tell me "Well done", then proceed to do the same to all those I love and hold dear to me. That day is far off, though, so we must hold steadfast in Christ, and become the people worthy to be held in his arms.
Sunday, July 1
Dreamland
I had another dream about him last night. But once again, it ends up with us together, but I feel unhappy. It's a good sign, I guess, but at the same time, I want to be completely over him. I want to forget him. Is that so wrong? He gave me so much to remember, but I don't think it meant as much to him. So it hurts. It stings, actually.
Is it pathetic that when I thought I saw him in his truck the other day, my heart did like 5 backflips? Yet I peeled out of that parking lot as fast as I could. Not that I wouldn't want to see him and hang out with him and reconnect. But I know it wouldn't turn out how I would want it to.
I thought our connection was real. Not even in a romantic kind of way, but just as friends. I see the world in a different way because of him (I'm being dramatic, but you get what I mean). I was ready to go on adventures with him on a daily basis.Then all of the sudden, he was gone.
Randomly he'll do weird stuff. Like call me, write on a huge poster, like a photo on Facebook. None of it makes any sense. I never got a true explanation from him. Seeing him at school was interesting. It's like I would look for him, but if I saw him, I would go the other way.
Every time I talk to him, I still see that sparkle in his eyes. I know something is there, I can just feel it. Maybe I'm wrong. But I feel like someone's eyes just can't deceive you, even if their words or actions do.
Tonight, I am reminded of the time he said he would race me home after hanging out with Friends one cold night in November, as I was just starting to have feelings for him. I lost track of him, and when I got to my house, he wasn't there. I was really bummed, and decided there's no way he'd ever like me. Then out of the corner of my eye as I'm getting out of my car, his truck turns into my neighborhood and pulls Into my house. We talked for hours on his tailgate, about life, the stars, people, the moon, and finally us. It through me off guard, but when he kissed me in the middle of a sentence, I was hooked. It was so innocent, perfect, a night to remember for sure.
On nights like this, when the moon is out bright, I look for him, hoping he'll turn into my neighborhood, come to rescue me from the trance I've been in since we parted ways. Of course, he never does, and for that reason the deceiving moon, shining bright, haunts me, in both a good and bad way. Good because I know memories like that won't fade, and I have something to compare future men to. Bad, because I can't look at it for too long without feeling a hint of sadness.
I don't expect to ever fully understand what happened with him. I don't expect to receive closure, or an explanation from him. I don't expect us to ever work out. But in another life, we could have taken on the world together. High school stereotypes and insecurities kept us from truly becoming anything. But I have learned a lot from him, and I don't hold anything against him. I just wish to be free from his spell. Is it pathetic? Will I look back on this in a few years and laugh at how silly I was in high school to think I had something so real? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
I hear the train, and it reminds me that I will soon be leaving this town. The sound has always been comforting to me. It's a sign of home. Maybe once I make a new life, live in a new world in Provo, UT, I will break free. Until then, I'll see you in dreamland. <3
Is it pathetic that when I thought I saw him in his truck the other day, my heart did like 5 backflips? Yet I peeled out of that parking lot as fast as I could. Not that I wouldn't want to see him and hang out with him and reconnect. But I know it wouldn't turn out how I would want it to.
I thought our connection was real. Not even in a romantic kind of way, but just as friends. I see the world in a different way because of him (I'm being dramatic, but you get what I mean). I was ready to go on adventures with him on a daily basis.Then all of the sudden, he was gone.
Randomly he'll do weird stuff. Like call me, write on a huge poster, like a photo on Facebook. None of it makes any sense. I never got a true explanation from him. Seeing him at school was interesting. It's like I would look for him, but if I saw him, I would go the other way.
Every time I talk to him, I still see that sparkle in his eyes. I know something is there, I can just feel it. Maybe I'm wrong. But I feel like someone's eyes just can't deceive you, even if their words or actions do.
Tonight, I am reminded of the time he said he would race me home after hanging out with Friends one cold night in November, as I was just starting to have feelings for him. I lost track of him, and when I got to my house, he wasn't there. I was really bummed, and decided there's no way he'd ever like me. Then out of the corner of my eye as I'm getting out of my car, his truck turns into my neighborhood and pulls Into my house. We talked for hours on his tailgate, about life, the stars, people, the moon, and finally us. It through me off guard, but when he kissed me in the middle of a sentence, I was hooked. It was so innocent, perfect, a night to remember for sure.
On nights like this, when the moon is out bright, I look for him, hoping he'll turn into my neighborhood, come to rescue me from the trance I've been in since we parted ways. Of course, he never does, and for that reason the deceiving moon, shining bright, haunts me, in both a good and bad way. Good because I know memories like that won't fade, and I have something to compare future men to. Bad, because I can't look at it for too long without feeling a hint of sadness.
I don't expect to ever fully understand what happened with him. I don't expect to receive closure, or an explanation from him. I don't expect us to ever work out. But in another life, we could have taken on the world together. High school stereotypes and insecurities kept us from truly becoming anything. But I have learned a lot from him, and I don't hold anything against him. I just wish to be free from his spell. Is it pathetic? Will I look back on this in a few years and laugh at how silly I was in high school to think I had something so real? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
I hear the train, and it reminds me that I will soon be leaving this town. The sound has always been comforting to me. It's a sign of home. Maybe once I make a new life, live in a new world in Provo, UT, I will break free. Until then, I'll see you in dreamland. <3
Thursday, June 28
Wake Up
Sometimes, life just throws you into a trance. Everything around you seems to be spinning out of control, but you are paralyzed, stuck in a rut, when everyone else seems to be moving forward. I've been doing some reading lately into psychology to get ready for college, and I've come up with a little theory (true, I have no diploma, but I think you can all relate to what I have to say).
Problems, change, stress are always in your life, but whether or not they are on the forefront of your mind depends on where you are mentally, spiritually, in knowing, acting, and being yourself. When you are busy, occupied with a job, school, hobby, family life, friends, or even a certain someone, you don't tend to analyze what is happening in your life and around it. You focus on getting through the days, from one task to the next. You do what you have to do to get things accomplished, and generally, you are happy. Granted, if you are involved with things that don't make you happy, you are going to be miserable. But its when time slows down, that your mind starts to think a little more in depth about the events, people, feelings in your personal world.
Summer is the perfect "incubation period" for these trances. I work, hang out with friends, and have tasks to accomplish; yet the time seems to move much slower than it did when I had school during the day. I have only been getting a few days a week at IHOP since summer started, so I should have known a day like this would come up sooner or later. At the beginning of June, it felt like I had a thousand things to do. Get ready for college (student loans, housing, registration for classes, orientation, etc), go to California, attend tons of beginning of summer events (parties, lake/river trips, graduation celebrations, etc), and earn tons of money for the fall at work. As the month wore on, however, everything seemed to settle down, which got me to thinking about some things. A.) Why have so many of my "friends" literally stopped talking/hanging out with me since school got out? B.) Why am I so excited to leave this state for college? and C.) What the HECK am I doing with my life as an adult? So after about a week or two of constantly thinking about these things, today, it happened.
I literally did nothing all day. It was absolutely pathetic. I had work off, and it is always nice to be lazy somedays. Yet today, it made me sick to my stomach to sit at home so much and not do anything productive. I was dying to do something, but had no friends to do it with. Which got me to thinking about my top 3 questions to worry about.
A.) I have over a 1000 friends on facebook. I like to think of myself as a decently popular person, someone people like to hang out with. Yet as I thought more about it, I was not even sure who I would call my true and closest friends. I feel like the people I thought I was closest to have all forgotten about the amazing friendships we used to hold. I feel like I don't get invited to ANYTHING anymore unless it is a big party. There is something wrong with that. Why are these people pulling away? They seem to be finding new best friends. Maybe it's because I like to view every relationship I have with different people as "special". I would do anything for a lot of them, and I guess it just isn't reciprocated. Maybe I am just jealous. I'm not sure what it is, but it had me feeling pretty down.
B.) I am very excited to leave. But I think it is more of leaving all the problems, disappointments, and broken hearts here, and getting a fresh start. I don't admit it to myself, but I am SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. Will people like me up there? What if I am lonely, no friends, no boys to talk to, no activities other than class? What if I am not smart enough to do well? I am taking out so many loans, what if I fail? What if my "friends" or family back in AZ forget about me, or stop caring? So at this point, not only was I down, I was kinda stressing out.
C.) Before you grow up, you think the future will be perfect. You'll have a blast in college, meet the perfect guy, fall in love, get married, have a perfect family, live a happy life, no problems. As you get older, you realize that is far from reality. More and more problems arise in the world every day. Nothing seems to be true or perfect anymore. What if I get a divorce? What if I am in debt? What if I don't have a good relationship with my kids? What if they fall into deep sin? So many possible problems, some have to happen, right? Now, I am sick to my stomach depressed about my current situation, and the future.
I must admit I finally drug myself to the gym for an hour, but that wasn't until 7:30pm! After my workout, the "trance" had basically worn off, but I am still feeling the after affects of it. Life is gonna be rough. People are going to disappoint you, you are going to disappoint yourself, things aren't going to go according to plan. But if you want to be happy and lead a fulfilling life, you just have to suck it up and get over it. It's hard as humans to follow our own advice sometimes. This world doesn't have time for the weak, nor will it pity them. I can't be one of those people. At the same time, this though is really saddening for me. I don't want anyone to be trampled under the weight of life, washed away by society into a river of depression. I think that is part of the reason I want to study psychology; I want to fix and help people, and most of all, I want to make them happy. It's always been easier for me to do that for other people than myself, however.
I know that I can prevent feeling like this by staying active in the Gospel, yet it seems so hard for me. It is so frustrating! I want to pray and read my scriptures in a habit every morning and night. I know that I need to gain a better relationship with Christ. It seems like I only call upon his aid when I need it, instead of being that constant companion. I feel guilty about it everyday! Yet I still haven't been able to consistently start any habits. I hate these cycles I get in! Some months I'll be on a spiritual high, the next barely attending church or praying or anything! It's despicable. I need that friendship with Christ, it's something that is desperately missing from my life, and it is my own fault. I rely too much on other people and the world for my comfort, when really, I should be turning to him. Maybe I just feel awkward sometimes praying, because it's like I'm talking to no one. I know he is there, but it is just really hard to feel sometimes. The Spirit is an interesting thing. You cannot tell it to come on command, it is on it's own schedule, and you have to heed it's small, quiet whisperings to catch it. Something I apparently am not very good at.
Anyways, it's definitely a part of the reason I chose BYU. Not that many people seem to get it when they ask me why I chose Provo. They wouldn't really understand, anyways, so I don't usually tell. But I am dying to get closer to Christ, to better understand the Gospel, to feel the Spirit more, and mainly, to be reborn. I want to become a Saint, I want to completely change all the negative things about me. I want to be Christ's servant. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud. I just really hope I can do that there, in that more spiritual-minded climate.
It's getting late and I know I am rambling. It always feels good to express how I am feeling though, so judge me all ya want! Everything will be alright. Trust in the Lord, he will direct thy paths for good. Keep doing what is right, and chugging through life. There will be blessings that we cannot see right now along the way. I have that faith, with all of my being. Everything will be alright, in the end, because God wants us all to be ridiculously happy. If I want that, I should work towards that starting now, and not just wait until he grants it to me. He will grant it to everyone, because he loves us. But I want to earn it. I want to do that, for me, after everything he has done for me. I mean, he died for me. For all of us. The least we can do is try to stay in contact, and help his other children. Right?
Problems, change, stress are always in your life, but whether or not they are on the forefront of your mind depends on where you are mentally, spiritually, in knowing, acting, and being yourself. When you are busy, occupied with a job, school, hobby, family life, friends, or even a certain someone, you don't tend to analyze what is happening in your life and around it. You focus on getting through the days, from one task to the next. You do what you have to do to get things accomplished, and generally, you are happy. Granted, if you are involved with things that don't make you happy, you are going to be miserable. But its when time slows down, that your mind starts to think a little more in depth about the events, people, feelings in your personal world.
Summer is the perfect "incubation period" for these trances. I work, hang out with friends, and have tasks to accomplish; yet the time seems to move much slower than it did when I had school during the day. I have only been getting a few days a week at IHOP since summer started, so I should have known a day like this would come up sooner or later. At the beginning of June, it felt like I had a thousand things to do. Get ready for college (student loans, housing, registration for classes, orientation, etc), go to California, attend tons of beginning of summer events (parties, lake/river trips, graduation celebrations, etc), and earn tons of money for the fall at work. As the month wore on, however, everything seemed to settle down, which got me to thinking about some things. A.) Why have so many of my "friends" literally stopped talking/hanging out with me since school got out? B.) Why am I so excited to leave this state for college? and C.) What the HECK am I doing with my life as an adult? So after about a week or two of constantly thinking about these things, today, it happened.
I literally did nothing all day. It was absolutely pathetic. I had work off, and it is always nice to be lazy somedays. Yet today, it made me sick to my stomach to sit at home so much and not do anything productive. I was dying to do something, but had no friends to do it with. Which got me to thinking about my top 3 questions to worry about.
A.) I have over a 1000 friends on facebook. I like to think of myself as a decently popular person, someone people like to hang out with. Yet as I thought more about it, I was not even sure who I would call my true and closest friends. I feel like the people I thought I was closest to have all forgotten about the amazing friendships we used to hold. I feel like I don't get invited to ANYTHING anymore unless it is a big party. There is something wrong with that. Why are these people pulling away? They seem to be finding new best friends. Maybe it's because I like to view every relationship I have with different people as "special". I would do anything for a lot of them, and I guess it just isn't reciprocated. Maybe I am just jealous. I'm not sure what it is, but it had me feeling pretty down.
B.) I am very excited to leave. But I think it is more of leaving all the problems, disappointments, and broken hearts here, and getting a fresh start. I don't admit it to myself, but I am SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. Will people like me up there? What if I am lonely, no friends, no boys to talk to, no activities other than class? What if I am not smart enough to do well? I am taking out so many loans, what if I fail? What if my "friends" or family back in AZ forget about me, or stop caring? So at this point, not only was I down, I was kinda stressing out.
C.) Before you grow up, you think the future will be perfect. You'll have a blast in college, meet the perfect guy, fall in love, get married, have a perfect family, live a happy life, no problems. As you get older, you realize that is far from reality. More and more problems arise in the world every day. Nothing seems to be true or perfect anymore. What if I get a divorce? What if I am in debt? What if I don't have a good relationship with my kids? What if they fall into deep sin? So many possible problems, some have to happen, right? Now, I am sick to my stomach depressed about my current situation, and the future.
I must admit I finally drug myself to the gym for an hour, but that wasn't until 7:30pm! After my workout, the "trance" had basically worn off, but I am still feeling the after affects of it. Life is gonna be rough. People are going to disappoint you, you are going to disappoint yourself, things aren't going to go according to plan. But if you want to be happy and lead a fulfilling life, you just have to suck it up and get over it. It's hard as humans to follow our own advice sometimes. This world doesn't have time for the weak, nor will it pity them. I can't be one of those people. At the same time, this though is really saddening for me. I don't want anyone to be trampled under the weight of life, washed away by society into a river of depression. I think that is part of the reason I want to study psychology; I want to fix and help people, and most of all, I want to make them happy. It's always been easier for me to do that for other people than myself, however.
I know that I can prevent feeling like this by staying active in the Gospel, yet it seems so hard for me. It is so frustrating! I want to pray and read my scriptures in a habit every morning and night. I know that I need to gain a better relationship with Christ. It seems like I only call upon his aid when I need it, instead of being that constant companion. I feel guilty about it everyday! Yet I still haven't been able to consistently start any habits. I hate these cycles I get in! Some months I'll be on a spiritual high, the next barely attending church or praying or anything! It's despicable. I need that friendship with Christ, it's something that is desperately missing from my life, and it is my own fault. I rely too much on other people and the world for my comfort, when really, I should be turning to him. Maybe I just feel awkward sometimes praying, because it's like I'm talking to no one. I know he is there, but it is just really hard to feel sometimes. The Spirit is an interesting thing. You cannot tell it to come on command, it is on it's own schedule, and you have to heed it's small, quiet whisperings to catch it. Something I apparently am not very good at.
Anyways, it's definitely a part of the reason I chose BYU. Not that many people seem to get it when they ask me why I chose Provo. They wouldn't really understand, anyways, so I don't usually tell. But I am dying to get closer to Christ, to better understand the Gospel, to feel the Spirit more, and mainly, to be reborn. I want to become a Saint, I want to completely change all the negative things about me. I want to be Christ's servant. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud. I just really hope I can do that there, in that more spiritual-minded climate.
It's getting late and I know I am rambling. It always feels good to express how I am feeling though, so judge me all ya want! Everything will be alright. Trust in the Lord, he will direct thy paths for good. Keep doing what is right, and chugging through life. There will be blessings that we cannot see right now along the way. I have that faith, with all of my being. Everything will be alright, in the end, because God wants us all to be ridiculously happy. If I want that, I should work towards that starting now, and not just wait until he grants it to me. He will grant it to everyone, because he loves us. But I want to earn it. I want to do that, for me, after everything he has done for me. I mean, he died for me. For all of us. The least we can do is try to stay in contact, and help his other children. Right?
Saturday, June 16
Growing Up
I find myself pulling away. College looms ever closer; 67 days until move-in. I've been spending a lot of time with myself lately, just thinking, relaxing, preparing for the future. The more I do this, the more I realize how ready I am to become that independent woman I have always longed to be. I deeply treasure all the memories, friends, and marks I have made in the valley of the sun these past 18 years. They have shaped me into the person I am today, but they also propel me to go forward and grow. It's going to be tough, scary, and expensive, but I know in the end it will be worth it.
I sincerely treasure this town and the people in it. Even through the dark times, I will always look back on my childhood with the highest esteem. I was greatly blessed in more than one area; friends, school, sports, activities, family, church. I have been surrounded by absolutely amazing people.
Even with all of that, however, I do not have much left here for me. I feel as though I have outgrown this town.
I do not have any people holding me back from moving on. A part of me wishes I did; wishes I had that high school love the songs on the radio talk about. I thought I made connections with people, but for the most part, they did not end up being true or beneficial. One side of me can look back with disappointment, but every other part of me is encouraging me on, to keep looking, and expand my views of the world.
We think we know what love is. We think we know someone. Better yet, we think we know ourselves. But something I've learned is that is what we will spend our whole lives doing, getting to better know others and ourselves. Without doubt, we can learn something new everyday, good or bad. My brain is hungry for knowledge that cannot be learned in Gilbert. My spirit is restless to roam free and forge a path for the rest of my life. I do so with a calm smile, considerate heart, and open mind.
Norah Jones' new album, "Little Broken Hearts", captures the essence of my feelings this summer. Just listening to the music, added in with the insightful lyrics, maintains my composure and satisfaction with life and where I am headed. It's time to reach out of warm cocoon and step out into the sun.
I sincerely treasure this town and the people in it. Even through the dark times, I will always look back on my childhood with the highest esteem. I was greatly blessed in more than one area; friends, school, sports, activities, family, church. I have been surrounded by absolutely amazing people.
Even with all of that, however, I do not have much left here for me. I feel as though I have outgrown this town.
I do not have any people holding me back from moving on. A part of me wishes I did; wishes I had that high school love the songs on the radio talk about. I thought I made connections with people, but for the most part, they did not end up being true or beneficial. One side of me can look back with disappointment, but every other part of me is encouraging me on, to keep looking, and expand my views of the world.
We think we know what love is. We think we know someone. Better yet, we think we know ourselves. But something I've learned is that is what we will spend our whole lives doing, getting to better know others and ourselves. Without doubt, we can learn something new everyday, good or bad. My brain is hungry for knowledge that cannot be learned in Gilbert. My spirit is restless to roam free and forge a path for the rest of my life. I do so with a calm smile, considerate heart, and open mind.
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." - proverb
Wednesday, June 13
Na Na Na Na. Hey Hey Hey. Goodbye.
I figured the six hour car ride to California for our senior trip would be a good time to write my end of high school blog post. Sitting in the back, surrounded by some of the most amazing girls I have met these past four years, I can only smile as I listen to them talk and laugh. They are all so beautiful, happy, confident, and strong, filled with the light of Christ. Three of us are going to BYU, two are going to ASU, and one is going to NAU. Though our time in Gilbert is basically over, our lives are just beginning.
Everyone says high school goes by fast, but no one can ever truly realize that until they are lining up in the school before walking out onto the field for graduation. The last month of senior year is honestly the weirdest thing in the entire world. Walking through the halls, you take in every inch of the school that has been your home for four years.
Towards the end of the year, I went and sat in the gym by myself during a slow class period. I went into the middle of the court and laid on the tiger, looking around. I thought about the countless hours spent in there over the years, training and practicing for the state championship we won in November. I thought about how many goals I had accomplished in there; overcoming my shoulder injury, keeping my spot on varsity, and starting my senior year. I thought about all the friends I had made in that gym, all the summers we spent working to create the team chemistry that made us so successful. As I walked out, looking at our banner, I said goodbye to the jungle.
For me, I guess I just like to take everything in, stand on the sidelines and watch everyone. I love to watch friends meet up and hug, pass around yearbooks, and take pictures with the seniors that would soon be leaving. It really is weird to think about the thousands of people I've met throughout high school, where they are going in life, and the fact that I most likely will never see some of them again.
Graduation was not a spectacular surge of emotion like I expected it to be. It was a nice ceremony, all of the speeches were really heartfelt. Many of them made us laugh, cheer, and stand up. At the beginning, Dr. Santa Cruz called up five students to do the welcome in different languages. I was selected for American Sign Language, and luckily I did not mess up at all! I surprised my family and friends, and my parents were so proud; it was really special. Of course, we had the beach balls, silly string, confetti, glitter, etc that every class does for graduation. This year, though, it seemed like all the teachers, security, and administrators were not concerned with the antics; for the most part, they let kids do whatever they wanted, with smiles on their faces. I think it was due to the fact that it was Santa Cruz's last year, he truly wanted to soak up the graduates and school he had been with for so long. I did not cry like I expected to. Many of the younger students who had come to watch were crying their eyes out on the field after, but I only felt happy. I am completely satisfied with my high school experience. It's a little bittersweet to think it's over and that I am finally an "adult", but I am ready to move on.
As fulfilling as high school has been for me, with all the amazing clubs, teachers, friends, and activities I have been involved in, I am done with the immaturity of many of my classmates and peers. I am hoping people in college will be more focused on what they want and mindful of others around them.
There are many lessons I have learned in high school, and I wish I could share them all so I could save people from heartbreak, tears, and struggle. But something I have learned is that everyone has to make their own mistakes in order to learn. You can hear it from other people and try to follow their advice, but in order for it to truly sink it, it has to be personally taught, experiencing it first hand. Advice is helpful and can definitely save you some trouble, but without a testimony of the principle gained by yourself, it will not mean much. For example, I was always told I should not even attend parties where there would be alcohol and drugs. Of course, from all the peer pressure, I had to attend one to learn for myself why we should keep our distance from those. First of all, it smells bad. Just the smell alone could keep me away, but the way people act when they are under the influence is flat out ridiculous. They are not their true selves, and find happiness from a bottle or bong. They will never find stability in that; the emotional issues they hide underneath will always surface. Their wounds will never heal in that environment. I found myself disgusted, so I vowed to never get in that atmosphere again.
The biggest piece of advice I would give though, cliche as it is, is simply to live without regret. You can never be afraid of opening up your heart and mind to new ideas, opportunities, and people. Some of the people that have taught me the most in high school are the ones I branched out to find. I never thought I would have been friends with people so far out of my typical "jock" or "LDS" circles. You have to take chances in order to gain the best kind of memories. Break a few rules (not big ones! You should never drop your standards or morals. EVER!!!!! You'll only regret it!), stay out a little too late, and don't be afraid to talk to someone new.
Well, high school is over. A new chapter is beginning. Time to grow up, find your place in the world, right?
With complete faith in God and his merciful son Jesus Christ, I know I can do anything I set my mind too, and I know I will find happiness. So, cheers!
Everyone says high school goes by fast, but no one can ever truly realize that until they are lining up in the school before walking out onto the field for graduation. The last month of senior year is honestly the weirdest thing in the entire world. Walking through the halls, you take in every inch of the school that has been your home for four years.
Towards the end of the year, I went and sat in the gym by myself during a slow class period. I went into the middle of the court and laid on the tiger, looking around. I thought about the countless hours spent in there over the years, training and practicing for the state championship we won in November. I thought about how many goals I had accomplished in there; overcoming my shoulder injury, keeping my spot on varsity, and starting my senior year. I thought about all the friends I had made in that gym, all the summers we spent working to create the team chemistry that made us so successful. As I walked out, looking at our banner, I said goodbye to the jungle.
For me, I guess I just like to take everything in, stand on the sidelines and watch everyone. I love to watch friends meet up and hug, pass around yearbooks, and take pictures with the seniors that would soon be leaving. It really is weird to think about the thousands of people I've met throughout high school, where they are going in life, and the fact that I most likely will never see some of them again.
Graduation was not a spectacular surge of emotion like I expected it to be. It was a nice ceremony, all of the speeches were really heartfelt. Many of them made us laugh, cheer, and stand up. At the beginning, Dr. Santa Cruz called up five students to do the welcome in different languages. I was selected for American Sign Language, and luckily I did not mess up at all! I surprised my family and friends, and my parents were so proud; it was really special. Of course, we had the beach balls, silly string, confetti, glitter, etc that every class does for graduation. This year, though, it seemed like all the teachers, security, and administrators were not concerned with the antics; for the most part, they let kids do whatever they wanted, with smiles on their faces. I think it was due to the fact that it was Santa Cruz's last year, he truly wanted to soak up the graduates and school he had been with for so long. I did not cry like I expected to. Many of the younger students who had come to watch were crying their eyes out on the field after, but I only felt happy. I am completely satisfied with my high school experience. It's a little bittersweet to think it's over and that I am finally an "adult", but I am ready to move on.
As fulfilling as high school has been for me, with all the amazing clubs, teachers, friends, and activities I have been involved in, I am done with the immaturity of many of my classmates and peers. I am hoping people in college will be more focused on what they want and mindful of others around them.
There are many lessons I have learned in high school, and I wish I could share them all so I could save people from heartbreak, tears, and struggle. But something I have learned is that everyone has to make their own mistakes in order to learn. You can hear it from other people and try to follow their advice, but in order for it to truly sink it, it has to be personally taught, experiencing it first hand. Advice is helpful and can definitely save you some trouble, but without a testimony of the principle gained by yourself, it will not mean much. For example, I was always told I should not even attend parties where there would be alcohol and drugs. Of course, from all the peer pressure, I had to attend one to learn for myself why we should keep our distance from those. First of all, it smells bad. Just the smell alone could keep me away, but the way people act when they are under the influence is flat out ridiculous. They are not their true selves, and find happiness from a bottle or bong. They will never find stability in that; the emotional issues they hide underneath will always surface. Their wounds will never heal in that environment. I found myself disgusted, so I vowed to never get in that atmosphere again.
The biggest piece of advice I would give though, cliche as it is, is simply to live without regret. You can never be afraid of opening up your heart and mind to new ideas, opportunities, and people. Some of the people that have taught me the most in high school are the ones I branched out to find. I never thought I would have been friends with people so far out of my typical "jock" or "LDS" circles. You have to take chances in order to gain the best kind of memories. Break a few rules (not big ones! You should never drop your standards or morals. EVER!!!!! You'll only regret it!), stay out a little too late, and don't be afraid to talk to someone new.
Well, high school is over. A new chapter is beginning. Time to grow up, find your place in the world, right?
With complete faith in God and his merciful son Jesus Christ, I know I can do anything I set my mind too, and I know I will find happiness. So, cheers!
Thursday, April 5
Time for a Cleanse
Here we are... It's April 4th, almost 11:30 at night. It's funny how inspiration and ideas flow freely at this time of night for me. I actually get most things done at night... I guess I'm a night owl. Anyways. Where do I begin! It has been a crazy three months for me. I will have to do the journaling some other time this month. It's sad to say I honestly can't remember what has happened! I would use Facebook timeline, but I am on a social fast right now, so that's off limits. I'll explain later. First, I am going to describe the last three days, and close with my analysis.
Day One: Monday
It started out as a pretty normal day! I had a pretty good weekend, but I was definitely left in a weird mood. General Conference was great, and I loved spending time with my family, but my birthday festivities left me thinking about a lot of things (I'm not gonna go into detail). I wore a cute dress to school, had a decent time up till 4th hour. I might have just been in a bad mood (just entered my favorite time of month), but girls just seemed to be really "catty". I was not feeling it! I posted a status along the lines of "Over this. 35 days". Then, while walking to 5th hour, I realized I had totally forgotten to write an essay that was due. I panicked a little, but decided I would just ditch, go home early, and work on it. I headed out to the parking lot and sat for about fifteen minutes, waiting for security to leave. I thought about a lot of things, and with everything else that had happened, I was definitely in a somber mood.
I am not one to let things get to me too much for too long, so when I got home, I decided to go lay out in the nice weather and get my tan on. The first hour was relaxing, and when I woke up from my snooze, I realized I had a missed call from one of my friends. I texted her, asking what was up, and by the way she was replying, I could tell she had bad news for me. I could not think of anything, so I impatiently waited for 45 minutes until she got out of school so she could tell me. To say the least, that call changed my life. Which sounds super dramatic, but I can say I am a completely different person than I was 72 hours ago. Let the fun begin...
She told me that the boy I was lined up to go to prom with, told her that he didn't really want to go with me. She tried to explain a few reasons, but in my head, I kept telling myself this was a joke. The week earlier, I heard another boy wanted to ask me. We'll call him Friend A. He is an awesome guy, we always have fun together, and through our ups and downs, he has been one of my closest friends. Friend B, I had only known for a few months, but on the outside, he was the whole package. Super tall, rich, funny, cute. He was the perfect date, and I definitely wanted to go with him! Being the ridiculous girl that I am, I schemed to get him to ask me. I talked to Friend B, and got the impression that he wanted to ask me if Friend A wouldn't mind. So I got my girl friend to convince Friend A not to ask me. I felt a little bad, but I just wanted to have the perfect senior prom! Then, for my birthday, Friend B asked me what I wanted. I told him he already knew what I wanted, but he insisted I tell him my favorite candy bar. I told him, so at my party, he gave it to me! He then said, "That's just the first part of your present." I totally assumed he meant asking me to prom was the second part, seeing as that was what I hinted at.
Well, Friend B was the boy that didn't want to go with me anymore. Friend A asked another girl. I was disappointed, hurt, and confused. Did he just change his mind? Everything seemed to be going so good! Or was he leading me on (intentionally, unintentionally?) the whole time? Why wouldn't he have the balls to just say he wanted to go with someone else? Then I would have a date, Friend A. Now, it was too late. My girl friend tried to help me think of other guys I could go with, and after listing off about 10 guys, I realized I legitimately did not have a date (they all had already asked, or had people in mind). This was when I broke down. I told her I was gonna be fine, but the second I hung up, I proceeded to bawl my eyes out for a solid hour before work.
I felt embarrassed. I felt like a loser. I felt ugly. I felt like no one wanted me. I felt straight up PATHETIC. I have always been pretty confident, but as every other girl, I have my insecurities. And WOW, did this situation bring up every single one and blow them up out of proportion. What had I done wrong? What did I do to deserve this? To be the girl without a date to senior prom. And to make matters worse, I already spent over $200 on a dress.
I left for work, a little out of it, but luckily was cut early. I went to the gym, got a good run and workout in, then came home. I did not feel any better. As usual, I got on facebook and twitter, and saw the flood of posts about prom. I thought I was going to explode. I was so sick of people and high school in general, the idea of a "Facebook Fast" came to mind. I posted a status and tweeted about taking a break from social media, and that I would be back in a week or two. I wanted to cut myself off from the world and draw back from people in general. So, after getting a final cry out in the shower, I turned out the lights, and went to sleep. The last person I wanted to talk to was God, so I skipped out on reading my scriptures and saying my prayers.
Day Two: Tuesday
Tuesday, I felt like a zombie. I dressed decently cute to school, did my makeup and hair, and drove down to Gilbert. In the car, I put a Mindy Gledhill CD in that my mom had just bought.Well, turns out they are all basically loves songs ( I could NOT handle that). One of the songs was played on a video talking about a child with cancer, so that was the only song I listened to. Tears in my eyes, I walk into school. All throughout first hour, I could not focus. I was zoning out, wanting a distraction. Usually, I go on facebook& twitter, but I deleted both of the apps off my phone, so I was stuck to stare off into space. I talked with Diana Mooney about some problems she was facing. We both were in pretty bad moods. When the ball rang for 2nd hour, I felt sick to my stomach. Not only was Friend B in my class, I always saw Friend A, as well as a few other people who were involved in the whole situation. Walking down the stairs, I saw them, and thought I was going to hurl. Taking deep breaths, I made it to the cafeteria doors, and convinced Diana and Naomi to leave before Friend B got there.
We left, and discovered we were all in sad moods. Naomi was facing some issues, of what subject I am not sure, but she was not her usual chipper self. We made it to seminary, put our bags down, then called a pow wow in the bathroom. I was trying so hard not to cry, but we all started to. I think all the stress and heartbreak and hurt caught up to us. We waved other girls away as they came in. I'm sure it was a funny sight to see. Naomi and I got to class a little late, so we had another girl start class for us (we are Presidents). My partner, Spencer, asked if I was okay. I said no, honestly, and the tears started to well up again. Why was I so pathetic? Spencer usually likes to be mean (joking of course) and annoy most of the time, so when he was genuinely concerned, it really caught my attention. I told him I did not want to talk about it. Usually I am the one trying to get him to participate, but that day, I did not say a single word. I zoned in and out of class, trying not to look over at Friend B (I could tell he was not looking. Which meant I was looking. Shoot!). Towards the end, Spencer wrote me the sweetest note ever. It made my day. I wrote him one back, explaining that I appreciated him and was sorry I could not talk about it with him. I wanted to leave before Friend B did, so I could avoid him, but we ended up getting stuck behind people. As usual, Friend B stands waiting for me at the cafeteria doors, where we walk to our 3rd hours together. I thought I was going to puke. He says, "Ready Hunter?" with that big smile on his face that makes me melt (not that I was in love with him, but he is always just so genuinely happy to be around me, it makes me feel good. Well, at least I thought he was. Now I am not so sure. UGH). I mumble, "I have to help Diana.. with some stuff" to which he replies, "Wow Diana, you are stealing my walking partner?" laughing, still with that big smile. Diana says something, but I am already walking away. Once again, I am trying so hard not to cry. Instead of walking with her, I cut across the hall towards my 3rd hour. I am pretty sure Friend B saw me, but I didn't care.
The rest of Tuesday pretty much sucked. I was pitying myself, distancing myself from my friends and family, and all around just feeling bad. I continued to look for prom dates, ask around, but with no success. I got glimmers of hope, here and there, only to be shut down.
At many times during the day, I was tempted to go on Facebook and Twitter. However, I resisted! I changed the homepage of my computer to lds.org, and I watched some cool videos they had. I read some scriptures, but once again, I was not feeling like talking to the Savior, even though I knew Wednesday would be tough. It was seminary conference, I was conducting. I did not want to be spiritual, nor did I want to have to deal with the Friend B situation.
Day Three: Wednesday
Wednesday morning, I got up, got all dressed/ dolled up for seminary conference, and left for school. Walking into Tiger Hall, I see out of the corner of my eye Friend B noticing me walk in (I know I looked good. So, instead of acting zoned out, I decided to do the fake happiness/laughter look for the day). I get into my group of friends, smile, laugh, play with my hair, do the typical things girls do. I'm not sure if he was caring or even looking at this point, but if he was, I wanted him to see what he was missing. First hour was fine, but once again walking to second hour, we don't wait for that group of friends to come up. We just head out to the seminary building. While conducting, it was really hard not to notice Friend B. I made eye contact once, but instantly looked away. Can you say AWKWARD. Haha. Seminary Conference, however, was amazing, to say the least. What a spiritual feast. All the talks were really good! We had time left at the end, so I had Diana and Naomi bear their testimonies. They are awesome. They both cried a little, which made me teary-eyed. I love their spirits, and the faith they have during hard times in their lives. I was feeling much better, but as soon as we walked back to the school, I realized Friend B did not even wait for me like he usually does. I saw him walking with other people. It made me sad, but I guess I did not want to talk to him anyways. The rest of the day at school was interesting. I was super emotional, but I was trying to act happy. There were so many times when tears started to well up in my eyes, it was just sad. Once again, I continued looking for prom dates, and failed each time. Which hurt. Even if it wasn't my fault or the guys fault. I was getting desperate.
I talk to my girl friend after 4th hour, and she told me that Friend B asked her that morning if I was mad at him. To which she replied yes. It explains why he didn't wait for me, I guess. But, I was not mad at him! I was more hurt and upset that he didn't tell me the truth. He still has not said anything to my face about it.
Throughout the day, I started to pick myself off the floor. I started letting myself recover, get stronger, and move on. By the time I got off work, I was feeling ok. My co workers are great, they always put me in a good mood. I went to the gym, ran a bit, then did an intense leg workout. This random guy started training me and making me do some hard things! It was a little weird. But I was grateful. Not only was it a good workout, he showed me I had value. Naturally, I am good lifter, so he was impressed by my skills. He also talked a lot about mentality, that I could do hard things If I just put my mind to it. As I was driving home, I was feeling pretty empowered. Working out gives me goals, something to work towards, and the fresh burst of enthusiasm was much needed/welcomed. I got on the computer, but instead of going to facebook, I quickly checked my email, then got on the LDS site.
I watched a Bible Video of the Savior's crucifixion. Little spiritual moments that teach me are so important to my testimony! They truly build it. While watching the video, I though about how alone the Savior must have felt. How much pain he had to endure. How he still loved those who were killing him. How he had no friends there. I began to compare it to my life. My problems seem so insignificant. Here I was, crying about a prom date, when Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice, for me and you. He understands how I feel, completely, wholly, exactly. He loves, no matter what. I was holding grudges and pulling myself away from my friends. That is no way to live! Even though it hurts, and will for a while, it would be better if I was friends with Friend B. It doesn't mean I have to walk one on one with him again, because I don't think I am ready. However, I am required to forgive ALL! I need to go on in life as the strong woman God has made me. No more feeling bad for myself! I had my days of mourning. Now, though, I would need to get over myself and just live.
I am not completely okay yet. So I am keeping the social cleanse. It has been really good! I am able to focus on more important things. I am ready to start moving back towards happiness, though! I need to forgive those that "despite-fully use me". Everything will work out.
On Friday, I get to pick my BYU dorm room/ roommate/ meal plan. It is soon becoming real, and I cannot be more excited. Every day, I know more and more that it was the right choice for me. I cannot wait.
Well, it is 12:40 pm, and I am falling asleep. Sorry if it seems choppy or random, I really just wanted to get it all out there. That's it, for now.
<3
Day One: Monday
It started out as a pretty normal day! I had a pretty good weekend, but I was definitely left in a weird mood. General Conference was great, and I loved spending time with my family, but my birthday festivities left me thinking about a lot of things (I'm not gonna go into detail). I wore a cute dress to school, had a decent time up till 4th hour. I might have just been in a bad mood (just entered my favorite time of month), but girls just seemed to be really "catty". I was not feeling it! I posted a status along the lines of "Over this. 35 days". Then, while walking to 5th hour, I realized I had totally forgotten to write an essay that was due. I panicked a little, but decided I would just ditch, go home early, and work on it. I headed out to the parking lot and sat for about fifteen minutes, waiting for security to leave. I thought about a lot of things, and with everything else that had happened, I was definitely in a somber mood.
I am not one to let things get to me too much for too long, so when I got home, I decided to go lay out in the nice weather and get my tan on. The first hour was relaxing, and when I woke up from my snooze, I realized I had a missed call from one of my friends. I texted her, asking what was up, and by the way she was replying, I could tell she had bad news for me. I could not think of anything, so I impatiently waited for 45 minutes until she got out of school so she could tell me. To say the least, that call changed my life. Which sounds super dramatic, but I can say I am a completely different person than I was 72 hours ago. Let the fun begin...
She told me that the boy I was lined up to go to prom with, told her that he didn't really want to go with me. She tried to explain a few reasons, but in my head, I kept telling myself this was a joke. The week earlier, I heard another boy wanted to ask me. We'll call him Friend A. He is an awesome guy, we always have fun together, and through our ups and downs, he has been one of my closest friends. Friend B, I had only known for a few months, but on the outside, he was the whole package. Super tall, rich, funny, cute. He was the perfect date, and I definitely wanted to go with him! Being the ridiculous girl that I am, I schemed to get him to ask me. I talked to Friend B, and got the impression that he wanted to ask me if Friend A wouldn't mind. So I got my girl friend to convince Friend A not to ask me. I felt a little bad, but I just wanted to have the perfect senior prom! Then, for my birthday, Friend B asked me what I wanted. I told him he already knew what I wanted, but he insisted I tell him my favorite candy bar. I told him, so at my party, he gave it to me! He then said, "That's just the first part of your present." I totally assumed he meant asking me to prom was the second part, seeing as that was what I hinted at.
Well, Friend B was the boy that didn't want to go with me anymore. Friend A asked another girl. I was disappointed, hurt, and confused. Did he just change his mind? Everything seemed to be going so good! Or was he leading me on (intentionally, unintentionally?) the whole time? Why wouldn't he have the balls to just say he wanted to go with someone else? Then I would have a date, Friend A. Now, it was too late. My girl friend tried to help me think of other guys I could go with, and after listing off about 10 guys, I realized I legitimately did not have a date (they all had already asked, or had people in mind). This was when I broke down. I told her I was gonna be fine, but the second I hung up, I proceeded to bawl my eyes out for a solid hour before work.
I felt embarrassed. I felt like a loser. I felt ugly. I felt like no one wanted me. I felt straight up PATHETIC. I have always been pretty confident, but as every other girl, I have my insecurities. And WOW, did this situation bring up every single one and blow them up out of proportion. What had I done wrong? What did I do to deserve this? To be the girl without a date to senior prom. And to make matters worse, I already spent over $200 on a dress.
I left for work, a little out of it, but luckily was cut early. I went to the gym, got a good run and workout in, then came home. I did not feel any better. As usual, I got on facebook and twitter, and saw the flood of posts about prom. I thought I was going to explode. I was so sick of people and high school in general, the idea of a "Facebook Fast" came to mind. I posted a status and tweeted about taking a break from social media, and that I would be back in a week or two. I wanted to cut myself off from the world and draw back from people in general. So, after getting a final cry out in the shower, I turned out the lights, and went to sleep. The last person I wanted to talk to was God, so I skipped out on reading my scriptures and saying my prayers.
Day Two: Tuesday
Tuesday, I felt like a zombie. I dressed decently cute to school, did my makeup and hair, and drove down to Gilbert. In the car, I put a Mindy Gledhill CD in that my mom had just bought.Well, turns out they are all basically loves songs ( I could NOT handle that). One of the songs was played on a video talking about a child with cancer, so that was the only song I listened to. Tears in my eyes, I walk into school. All throughout first hour, I could not focus. I was zoning out, wanting a distraction. Usually, I go on facebook& twitter, but I deleted both of the apps off my phone, so I was stuck to stare off into space. I talked with Diana Mooney about some problems she was facing. We both were in pretty bad moods. When the ball rang for 2nd hour, I felt sick to my stomach. Not only was Friend B in my class, I always saw Friend A, as well as a few other people who were involved in the whole situation. Walking down the stairs, I saw them, and thought I was going to hurl. Taking deep breaths, I made it to the cafeteria doors, and convinced Diana and Naomi to leave before Friend B got there.
We left, and discovered we were all in sad moods. Naomi was facing some issues, of what subject I am not sure, but she was not her usual chipper self. We made it to seminary, put our bags down, then called a pow wow in the bathroom. I was trying so hard not to cry, but we all started to. I think all the stress and heartbreak and hurt caught up to us. We waved other girls away as they came in. I'm sure it was a funny sight to see. Naomi and I got to class a little late, so we had another girl start class for us (we are Presidents). My partner, Spencer, asked if I was okay. I said no, honestly, and the tears started to well up again. Why was I so pathetic? Spencer usually likes to be mean (joking of course) and annoy most of the time, so when he was genuinely concerned, it really caught my attention. I told him I did not want to talk about it. Usually I am the one trying to get him to participate, but that day, I did not say a single word. I zoned in and out of class, trying not to look over at Friend B (I could tell he was not looking. Which meant I was looking. Shoot!). Towards the end, Spencer wrote me the sweetest note ever. It made my day. I wrote him one back, explaining that I appreciated him and was sorry I could not talk about it with him. I wanted to leave before Friend B did, so I could avoid him, but we ended up getting stuck behind people. As usual, Friend B stands waiting for me at the cafeteria doors, where we walk to our 3rd hours together. I thought I was going to puke. He says, "Ready Hunter?" with that big smile on his face that makes me melt (not that I was in love with him, but he is always just so genuinely happy to be around me, it makes me feel good. Well, at least I thought he was. Now I am not so sure. UGH). I mumble, "I have to help Diana.. with some stuff" to which he replies, "Wow Diana, you are stealing my walking partner?" laughing, still with that big smile. Diana says something, but I am already walking away. Once again, I am trying so hard not to cry. Instead of walking with her, I cut across the hall towards my 3rd hour. I am pretty sure Friend B saw me, but I didn't care.
The rest of Tuesday pretty much sucked. I was pitying myself, distancing myself from my friends and family, and all around just feeling bad. I continued to look for prom dates, ask around, but with no success. I got glimmers of hope, here and there, only to be shut down.
At many times during the day, I was tempted to go on Facebook and Twitter. However, I resisted! I changed the homepage of my computer to lds.org, and I watched some cool videos they had. I read some scriptures, but once again, I was not feeling like talking to the Savior, even though I knew Wednesday would be tough. It was seminary conference, I was conducting. I did not want to be spiritual, nor did I want to have to deal with the Friend B situation.
Day Three: Wednesday
Wednesday morning, I got up, got all dressed/ dolled up for seminary conference, and left for school. Walking into Tiger Hall, I see out of the corner of my eye Friend B noticing me walk in (I know I looked good. So, instead of acting zoned out, I decided to do the fake happiness/laughter look for the day). I get into my group of friends, smile, laugh, play with my hair, do the typical things girls do. I'm not sure if he was caring or even looking at this point, but if he was, I wanted him to see what he was missing. First hour was fine, but once again walking to second hour, we don't wait for that group of friends to come up. We just head out to the seminary building. While conducting, it was really hard not to notice Friend B. I made eye contact once, but instantly looked away. Can you say AWKWARD. Haha. Seminary Conference, however, was amazing, to say the least. What a spiritual feast. All the talks were really good! We had time left at the end, so I had Diana and Naomi bear their testimonies. They are awesome. They both cried a little, which made me teary-eyed. I love their spirits, and the faith they have during hard times in their lives. I was feeling much better, but as soon as we walked back to the school, I realized Friend B did not even wait for me like he usually does. I saw him walking with other people. It made me sad, but I guess I did not want to talk to him anyways. The rest of the day at school was interesting. I was super emotional, but I was trying to act happy. There were so many times when tears started to well up in my eyes, it was just sad. Once again, I continued looking for prom dates, and failed each time. Which hurt. Even if it wasn't my fault or the guys fault. I was getting desperate.
I talk to my girl friend after 4th hour, and she told me that Friend B asked her that morning if I was mad at him. To which she replied yes. It explains why he didn't wait for me, I guess. But, I was not mad at him! I was more hurt and upset that he didn't tell me the truth. He still has not said anything to my face about it.
Throughout the day, I started to pick myself off the floor. I started letting myself recover, get stronger, and move on. By the time I got off work, I was feeling ok. My co workers are great, they always put me in a good mood. I went to the gym, ran a bit, then did an intense leg workout. This random guy started training me and making me do some hard things! It was a little weird. But I was grateful. Not only was it a good workout, he showed me I had value. Naturally, I am good lifter, so he was impressed by my skills. He also talked a lot about mentality, that I could do hard things If I just put my mind to it. As I was driving home, I was feeling pretty empowered. Working out gives me goals, something to work towards, and the fresh burst of enthusiasm was much needed/welcomed. I got on the computer, but instead of going to facebook, I quickly checked my email, then got on the LDS site.
I watched a Bible Video of the Savior's crucifixion. Little spiritual moments that teach me are so important to my testimony! They truly build it. While watching the video, I though about how alone the Savior must have felt. How much pain he had to endure. How he still loved those who were killing him. How he had no friends there. I began to compare it to my life. My problems seem so insignificant. Here I was, crying about a prom date, when Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice, for me and you. He understands how I feel, completely, wholly, exactly. He loves, no matter what. I was holding grudges and pulling myself away from my friends. That is no way to live! Even though it hurts, and will for a while, it would be better if I was friends with Friend B. It doesn't mean I have to walk one on one with him again, because I don't think I am ready. However, I am required to forgive ALL! I need to go on in life as the strong woman God has made me. No more feeling bad for myself! I had my days of mourning. Now, though, I would need to get over myself and just live.
I am not completely okay yet. So I am keeping the social cleanse. It has been really good! I am able to focus on more important things. I am ready to start moving back towards happiness, though! I need to forgive those that "despite-fully use me". Everything will work out.
On Friday, I get to pick my BYU dorm room/ roommate/ meal plan. It is soon becoming real, and I cannot be more excited. Every day, I know more and more that it was the right choice for me. I cannot wait.
Well, it is 12:40 pm, and I am falling asleep. Sorry if it seems choppy or random, I really just wanted to get it all out there. That's it, for now.
<3
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