Is it pathetic that when I thought I saw him in his truck the other day, my heart did like 5 backflips? Yet I peeled out of that parking lot as fast as I could. Not that I wouldn't want to see him and hang out with him and reconnect. But I know it wouldn't turn out how I would want it to.
I thought our connection was real. Not even in a romantic kind of way, but just as friends. I see the world in a different way because of him (I'm being dramatic, but you get what I mean). I was ready to go on adventures with him on a daily basis.Then all of the sudden, he was gone.
Randomly he'll do weird stuff. Like call me, write on a huge poster, like a photo on Facebook. None of it makes any sense. I never got a true explanation from him. Seeing him at school was interesting. It's like I would look for him, but if I saw him, I would go the other way.
Every time I talk to him, I still see that sparkle in his eyes. I know something is there, I can just feel it. Maybe I'm wrong. But I feel like someone's eyes just can't deceive you, even if their words or actions do.
Tonight, I am reminded of the time he said he would race me home after hanging out with Friends one cold night in November, as I was just starting to have feelings for him. I lost track of him, and when I got to my house, he wasn't there. I was really bummed, and decided there's no way he'd ever like me. Then out of the corner of my eye as I'm getting out of my car, his truck turns into my neighborhood and pulls Into my house. We talked for hours on his tailgate, about life, the stars, people, the moon, and finally us. It through me off guard, but when he kissed me in the middle of a sentence, I was hooked. It was so innocent, perfect, a night to remember for sure.
On nights like this, when the moon is out bright, I look for him, hoping he'll turn into my neighborhood, come to rescue me from the trance I've been in since we parted ways. Of course, he never does, and for that reason the deceiving moon, shining bright, haunts me, in both a good and bad way. Good because I know memories like that won't fade, and I have something to compare future men to. Bad, because I can't look at it for too long without feeling a hint of sadness.
I don't expect to ever fully understand what happened with him. I don't expect to receive closure, or an explanation from him. I don't expect us to ever work out. But in another life, we could have taken on the world together. High school stereotypes and insecurities kept us from truly becoming anything. But I have learned a lot from him, and I don't hold anything against him. I just wish to be free from his spell. Is it pathetic? Will I look back on this in a few years and laugh at how silly I was in high school to think I had something so real? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
I hear the train, and it reminds me that I will soon be leaving this town. The sound has always been comforting to me. It's a sign of home. Maybe once I make a new life, live in a new world in Provo, UT, I will break free. Until then, I'll see you in dreamland. <3
