Time for a Cleanse

Here we are... It's April 4th, almost 11:30 at night. It's funny how inspiration and ideas flow freely at this time of night for me. I actually get most things done at night... I guess I'm a night owl. Anyways. Where do I begin! It has been a crazy three months for me. I will have to do the journaling some other time this month. It's sad to say I honestly can't remember what has happened! I would use Facebook timeline, but I am on a social fast right now, so that's off limits. I'll explain later. First, I am going to describe the last three days, and close with my analysis.

Day One: Monday
It started out as a pretty normal day! I had a pretty good weekend, but I was definitely left in a weird mood. General Conference was great, and I loved spending time with my family, but my birthday festivities left me thinking about a lot of things (I'm not gonna go into detail). I wore a cute dress to school, had a decent time up till 4th hour. I might have just been in a bad mood (just entered my favorite time of month), but girls just seemed to be really "catty". I was not feeling it! I posted a status along the lines of "Over this. 35 days". Then, while walking to 5th hour, I realized I had totally forgotten to write an essay that was due. I panicked a little, but decided I would just ditch, go home early, and work on it. I headed out to the parking lot and sat for about fifteen minutes, waiting for security to leave. I thought about a lot of things, and with everything else that had happened, I was definitely in a somber mood.
I am not one to let things get to me too much for too long, so when I got home, I decided to go lay out in the nice weather and get my tan on. The first hour was relaxing, and when I woke up from my snooze, I realized I had a missed call from one of my friends. I texted her, asking what was up, and by the way she was replying, I could tell she had bad news for me. I could not think of anything, so I impatiently waited for 45 minutes until she got out of school so she could tell me. To say the least, that call changed my life. Which sounds super dramatic, but I can say I am a completely different person than I was 72 hours ago. Let the fun begin...
She told me that the boy I was lined up to go to prom with, told her that he didn't really want to go with me. She tried to explain a few reasons, but in my head, I kept telling myself this was a joke. The week earlier, I heard another boy wanted to ask me. We'll call him Friend A. He is an awesome guy, we always have fun together, and through our ups and downs, he has been one of my closest friends. Friend B, I had only known for a few months, but on the outside, he was the whole package. Super tall, rich, funny, cute. He was the perfect date, and I definitely wanted to go with him! Being the ridiculous girl that I am, I schemed to get him to ask me. I talked to Friend B, and got the impression that he wanted to ask me if Friend A wouldn't mind. So I got my girl friend to convince Friend A not to ask me. I felt a little bad, but I just wanted to have the perfect senior prom! Then, for my birthday, Friend B asked me what I wanted. I told him he already knew what I wanted, but he insisted I tell him my favorite candy bar. I told him, so at my party, he gave it to me! He then said, "That's just the first part of your present." I totally assumed he meant asking me to prom was the second part, seeing as that was what I hinted at.
Well, Friend B was the boy that didn't want to go with me anymore. Friend A asked another girl. I was disappointed, hurt, and confused. Did he just change his mind? Everything seemed to be going so good! Or was he leading me on (intentionally, unintentionally?) the whole time? Why wouldn't he have the balls to just say he wanted to go with someone else? Then I would have a date, Friend A. Now, it was too late. My girl friend tried to help me think of other guys I could go with, and after listing off about 10 guys, I realized I legitimately did not have a date (they all had already asked, or had people in mind). This was when I broke down. I told her I was gonna be fine, but the second I hung up, I proceeded to bawl my eyes out for a solid hour before work.
I felt embarrassed. I felt like a loser. I felt ugly. I felt like no one wanted me. I felt straight up PATHETIC. I have always been pretty confident, but as every other girl, I have my insecurities. And WOW, did this situation bring up every single one and blow them up out of proportion. What had I done wrong? What did I do to deserve this? To be the girl without a date to senior prom. And to make matters worse, I already spent over $200 on a dress.
I left for work, a little out of it, but luckily was cut early. I went to the gym, got a good run and workout in, then came home. I did not feel any better. As usual, I got on facebook and twitter, and saw the flood of posts about prom. I thought I was going to explode. I was so sick of people and high school in general, the idea of a "Facebook Fast" came to mind. I posted a status and tweeted about taking a break from social media, and that I would be back in a week or two. I wanted to cut myself off from the world and draw back from people in general. So, after getting a final cry out in the shower, I turned out the lights, and went to sleep. The last person I wanted to talk to was God, so I skipped out on reading my scriptures and saying my prayers.

Day Two: Tuesday
Tuesday, I felt like a zombie. I dressed decently cute to school, did my makeup and hair, and drove down to Gilbert. In the car, I put a Mindy Gledhill CD in that my mom had just bought.Well, turns out they are all basically loves songs ( I could NOT handle that). One of the songs was played on a video talking about a child with cancer, so that was the only song I listened to. Tears in my eyes, I walk into school. All throughout first hour, I could not focus. I was zoning out, wanting a distraction. Usually, I go on facebook& twitter, but I deleted both of the apps off my phone, so I was stuck to stare off into space. I talked with Diana Mooney about some problems she was facing. We both were in pretty bad moods. When the ball rang for 2nd hour, I felt sick to my stomach. Not only was Friend B in my class, I always saw Friend A, as well as a few other people who were involved in the whole situation. Walking down the stairs, I saw them, and thought I was going to hurl. Taking deep breaths, I made it to the cafeteria doors, and convinced Diana and Naomi to leave before Friend B got there.
We left, and discovered we were all in sad moods. Naomi was facing some issues, of what subject I am not sure, but she was not her usual chipper self. We made it to seminary, put our bags down, then called a pow wow in the bathroom. I was trying so hard not to cry, but we all started to. I think all the stress and heartbreak and hurt caught up to us. We waved other girls away as they came in. I'm sure it was a funny sight to see. Naomi and I got to class a little late, so we had another girl start class for us (we are Presidents). My partner, Spencer, asked if I was okay. I said no, honestly, and the tears started to well up again. Why was I so pathetic? Spencer usually likes to be mean (joking of course) and annoy most of the time, so when he was genuinely concerned, it really caught my attention. I told him I did not want to talk about it. Usually I am the one trying to get him to participate, but that day, I did not say a single word. I zoned in and out of class, trying not to look over at Friend B (I could tell he was not looking. Which meant I was looking. Shoot!). Towards the end, Spencer wrote me the sweetest note ever. It made my day. I wrote him one back, explaining that I appreciated him and was sorry I could not talk about it with him. I wanted to leave before Friend B did, so I could avoid him, but we ended up getting stuck behind people. As usual, Friend B stands waiting for me at the cafeteria doors, where we walk to our 3rd hours together. I thought I was going to puke. He says, "Ready Hunter?" with that big smile on his face that makes me melt (not that I was in love with him, but he is always just so genuinely happy to be around me, it makes me feel good. Well, at least I thought he was. Now I am not so sure. UGH). I mumble, "I have to help Diana.. with some stuff" to which he replies, "Wow Diana, you are stealing my walking partner?" laughing, still with that big smile. Diana says something, but I am already walking away. Once again, I am trying so hard not to cry. Instead of walking with her, I cut across the hall towards my 3rd hour. I am pretty sure Friend B saw me, but I didn't care.
The rest of Tuesday pretty much sucked. I was pitying myself, distancing myself from my friends and family, and all around just feeling bad. I continued to look for prom dates, ask around, but with no success. I got glimmers of hope, here and there, only to be shut down.
At many times during the day, I was tempted to go on Facebook and Twitter. However, I resisted! I changed the homepage of my computer to lds.org, and I watched some cool videos they had. I read some scriptures, but once again, I was not feeling like talking to the Savior, even though I knew Wednesday would be tough. It was seminary conference, I was conducting. I did not want to be spiritual,  nor did I want to have to deal with the Friend B situation.

Day Three: Wednesday
Wednesday morning, I got up, got all dressed/ dolled up for seminary conference, and left for school. Walking into Tiger Hall, I see out of the corner of my eye Friend B noticing me walk in (I know I looked good. So, instead of acting zoned out, I decided to do the fake happiness/laughter look for the day). I get into my group of friends, smile, laugh, play with my hair, do the typical things girls do. I'm not sure if he was caring or even looking at this point, but if he was, I wanted him to see what he was missing. First hour was fine, but once again walking to second hour, we don't wait for that group of friends to come up. We just head out to the seminary building. While conducting, it was really hard not to notice Friend B. I made eye contact once, but instantly looked away. Can you say AWKWARD. Haha. Seminary Conference, however, was amazing, to say the least. What a spiritual feast. All the talks were really good! We had time left at the end, so I had Diana and Naomi bear their testimonies. They are awesome. They both cried a little, which made me teary-eyed. I love their spirits, and the faith they have during hard times in their lives. I was feeling much better, but as soon as we walked back to the school, I realized Friend B did not even wait for me like he usually does. I saw him walking with other people. It made me sad, but I guess I did not want to talk to him anyways. The rest of the day at school was interesting. I was super emotional, but I was trying to act happy. There were so many times when tears started to well up in my eyes, it was just sad. Once again, I continued looking for prom dates, and failed each time. Which hurt. Even if it wasn't my fault or the guys fault. I was getting desperate.
I talk to my girl friend after 4th hour, and she told me that Friend B asked her that morning if I was mad at him. To which she replied yes. It explains why he didn't wait for me, I guess. But, I was not mad at him! I was more hurt and upset that he didn't tell me the truth. He still has not said anything to my face about it.
Throughout the day, I started to pick myself off the floor. I started letting myself recover, get stronger, and move on. By the time I got off work, I was feeling ok. My co workers are great, they always put me in a good mood. I went to the gym, ran a bit, then did an intense leg workout. This random guy started training me and making me do some hard things! It was a little weird. But I was grateful. Not only was it a good workout, he showed me I had value. Naturally, I am good lifter, so he was impressed by my skills. He also talked a lot about mentality, that I could do hard things If I just put my mind to it. As I was driving home, I was feeling pretty empowered. Working out gives me goals, something to work towards, and the fresh burst of enthusiasm was much needed/welcomed. I got on the computer, but instead of going to facebook, I quickly checked my email, then got on the LDS site.
I watched a Bible Video of the Savior's crucifixion. Little spiritual moments that teach me are so important to my testimony! They truly build it. While watching the video, I though about how alone the Savior must have felt. How much pain he had to endure. How he still loved those who were killing him. How he had no friends there. I began to compare it to my life. My problems seem so insignificant. Here I was, crying about a prom date, when Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice, for me and you. He understands how I feel, completely, wholly, exactly. He loves, no matter what. I was holding grudges and pulling myself away from my friends. That is no way to live! Even though it hurts, and will for a while, it would be better if I was friends with Friend B. It doesn't mean I have to walk one on one with him again, because I don't think I am ready. However, I am required to forgive ALL! I need to go on in life as the strong woman God has made me. No more feeling bad for myself! I had my days of mourning. Now, though, I would need to get over myself and just live.

I am not completely okay yet. So I am keeping the social cleanse. It has been really good! I am able to focus on more important things. I am ready to start moving back towards happiness, though! I need to forgive those that "despite-fully use me". Everything will work out.

On Friday, I get to pick my BYU dorm room/ roommate/ meal plan. It is soon becoming real, and I cannot be more excited. Every day, I know more and more that it was the right choice for me. I cannot wait.
Well, it is 12:40 pm, and I am falling asleep. Sorry if it seems choppy or random, I really just wanted to get it all out there. That's it, for now.

<3